How do we ..? - Liz Jobey on Diane Arbus (Fri 01 Jul 2016)

silhouette - Sydney Life - Hyde Park / Sydney (Fri 18 Sep 2015)

Liz Jobey on Diane Arbus:

How do we become the people we want to be? How do we overcome our genetics and our gender, how do we transform ourselves? How do children become adolescents and adolescents become adults? How do adults become parents, how do children distinguish themselves? These are essential questions throughout her work.

via Diane Arbus: the magic mirror by Liz Jobey.

I have learned (by unknown)

I found the following piece while poking around Paulo Coelho's myspace page (he is on every social media site :-). Anyway, I like this and thought I would put it here to share as well as remember. What I have learned. There is much wisdom here:

I have learned (by author unknown) ..

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.


• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back;


• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.


• I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts;


• I've learned that you can get by on charm, for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something;


• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.


• I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.


• I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person that I want to be.


• I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may b the last time you see them.


• I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.


• I've learned that we are responsible for all we do, no matter how we feel.


• I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.


• I've learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it's place.


• I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


• I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.


• I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.


• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're downhill are the ones to help you get back up.


• I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.


• I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


• I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.


• I've learned that maturity had more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.


• I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.


• I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


• I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.


• I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.


• I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.


• I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


• I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


• I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.


• I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


• I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will get hurt in the process.


• I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


• I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.


• I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.


• I've learned that the people you care about the most in life are taken from you too soon.


• I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

'Angel's Hand and Wing' - A Church / Brussels - Europe 2009 - A Second Look - 11 Sep 2009 (picasa)

Do You See What I See? - Hunters & Collectors (1988) (youtube)

Do You See What I See? - Hunters & Collectors (1988) (youtube)
The song ends with the lyrics:

Do you remember?
I said do you remember?...

Yes, I remember now. I saw Hunters & Collectors play this song at a Concert in Boston in October 1988. They were the support act for Midnight Oil. I had forgotten about this when I put together yesterdays post (The Forgotten Years). I kept thinking last night, that I had seen Midnight Oil somewhere else. This song made me remember, as I distinctly remember it being performed at the Concert in Boston. Funny how you can remember some things in the end.

Mark Seymour, the bands lead singer, is also a bit of a runner and he ran the same Melbourne Marathon I ran in 1994. He played some songs to a crowd at the finish line after his run. I remember being very impressed with him and his fitness, as I hobbled back to the Hotel Crossley for an afternoon nap.

Found a live version here and the Lyrics follow ..

Do you see what I see Lyrics

I spy your humble home
I see the tea towels fly
In a blinding flash
I see the years go by
Memories twisted around
Somebody's finger
Behind me now
Oh but I still remember

Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?

We go north to the ocean
We drove so far
But last years light is shining hotter than the sun
Looking for someone
In a suburb that I know
But I wasn't round for long
I had somewhere else to go

Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?

I see the safest place around
In that city down below
My hands are empty now
And I waving as I go

You were gone for a little while
It was a fine fine line
Between first and second thoughts
We left them all behind
Now we barely faulter
Now the long drive has begun
North to the ocean
Hotter, hotter than the sun

Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?

Do you remember?
I said do you remember?...

How You Remind Me by Nickelback (youtube)

How You Remind Me by Nickelback
Are we having fun yet? ..
And this is how you remind me


A song that reminds of a Friend who introduced me to Nickelback and this song when we were collaborating on an internet project (* - wow did we do all that) and we were having so much fun.

The other enduring memory of this song is the time of it's release - September 11, 2001. It (as well as Powderfinger Song which I will track down) will always remind of that day.

How You Remind Me Lyrics

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad?
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
No, no

The night before brain surgery ..

Another extract from Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike". Some parts of the book really connected with me. Here is the one that resonates the most ..

How do you confront your own death? Sometimes I think the blood-brain barrier is more than just physical, it's emotional, too. Maybe there's a protective mechanism in our psyche that prevents us from accepting our mortality unless we absolutely have to.

Jenny - 'A little tidy up of Jenny's hair - it was always my job to do this.' - Kirrawee - 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
The night before brain surgery, I thought about death. I searched out my larger values, and I asked myself, if I was going to die, did I want to do it fighting and clawing or in peaceful surrender? What sort of character did I hope to show? Was I content with myself and what I had done with my life so far? I decided that I was essentially a good person, although I could have been better—but at the same time I understood that the cancer didn't care.

Jenny and Geoff - 'off we head to the Hospital' - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
I asked myself what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn't pray. [..]

I believed, too, in the doctors and the medicine and the surgeries — I believed in that. [..]

Jenny Collage - The Night Before Brain Surgery - The White Markers were placed on Jenny's head before an MRI - they would be used by the Nuerosurgeon to assist in precisely locating the Tumor from a digital scan of the MRI. - St George Hospital - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)

Beyond that, I had no idea where to draw the line between spiritual belief and science. But I knew this much: I believed in belief, for its own shining sake. To believe in the face of utter hopelessness, every article of evidence to the contrary, to ignore apparent catastrophe— what other choice was there? We do it every day, I realized. We are so much stronger than we imagine, and belief is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics. To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery.

Jenny with the Flowers from Julia and Todd (photo to come), and Pacific Dragons - St George Hospital - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)

To continue believing in yourself, believing in the doctors, believing in the treatment, believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing, I decided. It had to be.

Without belief, we would be left with nothing but an overwhelming doom, every single day. And it will beat you. I didn't fully see, until the cancer, how we fight every day against the creeping negatives of the world, how we struggle daily against the slow lapping of cynicism. Dispiritedness and disappointment, these were the real perils of life, not some sudden illness or cataclysmic millennium doomsday. I knew now why people fear cancer: because it is a slow and inevitable death, it is the very definition of cynicism and loss of spirit. So, I believed.

Jenny, Joanne, David and Geoff - "Jenny takes a photo of us all just before she heads out to have a 4cm brain tumor removed. She had no fear and looked forward to quickly recovering to resume the treatment of the tumors in her liver." - St George - 6:30am Wed 17 Jun 2009 (picasa)

Will try add some more photos (partly done now - Geoff 10 Mar 2009) and maybe some of my own recollections and thoughts on Jenny's Night before brain surgery. There is a bit of story here if I can find the strength to write about it.

Jenny - 'Just before heading out for surgery.' - St George Hospital - 7am Wed 17 Jun 2009 (picasa)

More on Photography and Story Telling - Colin Pantall (Wed 15 Oct 2014)

Just Because I Really Love You (c) - Bologna (Fri 29 Aug 2014)
Colin Pantall (*) writes on Story Telling (*) and Photography (*) through the 2014 Booker Prize (*) awarded to Richard Flanagan (*) who:

worked for 12 years to tell this story. He told it as a love story because he says that while war stories dark about death, war also illuminates love (*) which is the greatest expression of hope (*). It's what we live (*) for.

And because it's what we live for, it's what we want to read about. Flanagan has every reason to be self-indulgent and wallow in his father's misery, but it seems like he's translating the story for readership. He's reaching out, he's editing (*), he's adapting (*), he's simplifying (*), he's making it a story that has been written for the reader. It's written on the reader's terms.

Colin questions and challenges Photographers (*)

I think an interesting question here is how often do photographers do this?; go out to the reader and sacrifice their self-indulgence to tell the story well? How often do they do this, how often don't they do this?

via Whatever Evil is, it wasn't in that Room (*) by Colin Pantall (*).

The sweet taste of change ..

I recently had the opportunity to tell the following story between sets at a recent Australian Dragon Boat training session. It comes from the Novel By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho. Here it is ..

The padre took a deep breath. He hesitated for a moment and then said:

"A scientist who studied monkeys on an island in Indonesia was able to teach a certain one to wash bananas in the river before eating them. Cleansed of sand and dirt, the food was more flavourful. The scientist - who did this only because he was studying the learning capacity of monkeys - did not imagine what would eventually happen. So he was surprised to see that the other monkeys on the island began to imitate the first one."

"And then, one day when a certain number of monkeys had learned to wash their bananas, the monkeys on all of the islands in the archipeligo began to do the same thing. What was surprising though was the other monkeys learned to do so without having had any contact with island where the experiment had been conducted."

He stopped. "Do you understand?"

"No" I answered.

"There are several similar scientific studies. The most common explanationn is that when a certain number of people evolve, the entire human race begins to evolve. We don't know how many are needed - but we know that's how it works."

Premier Open 500m Final - IDBF Dragon Boat World Champs - Sydney 2007 (Sun 23 Sep 2007)
A bit of a ramble to follow ..

Whenever I go to a Dragon Boat Regatta, I always look at the other teams when they are racing and I am always amazed at all the different techniques that are on display. Not one team is the same. I have seen so many variations on how to paddle, I know there is no one right way. The main thing is that a team and all its paddlers are consistent with their technique and blend together as a team. There are always slight variations between the paddlers, but overall everyone is pretty much doing the same thing.

How is this done? Firstly, a coach or coaching team will decide on a technique to be used. Most coaches are often learning and looking for new ways to make the team go faster. So from season to season you will see changes in technique that can go from subtle to extreme.

Once a new technique is decided upon it is a matter of the Coach and the Team getting down to business and putting it into practice through purposeful training. This will all take time as new physical and mental pathways are developed by the paddlers. Some paddlers will adapt to the changes quicker than others. Often video footage will help a paddler see what they are doing compared to what they think they are doing. At times the changes are made quickly and other times the changes seem to take forever to come through. One way or another, the changes are made and the team is paddling with tne new technique. What you see at Regatta's is proof of this fact.

Paddling is often about a feeling, be it the connection with the water or about what you feel and believe when you paddle. I have always believed that if you can think, visualise and feel it, then you are well on the way to making the changes needed to adapt to a new paddling technique (or for that matter, anything you set your heart to).

So for those working through change, make of it what you can from the above story. I think there are a few nice metaphors there to work with.

The keywords being: Learning, Training, Mimicry and Believing.

Senior Mixed 500m Final - IDBF Dragon Boat World Champs - 200m to go - "The Break" - "It was insane, but it worked" - It's not about the Paddle – Prague/Racice - Day 4 (Sat 29 Aug 2009)

On Confidence - Drew Ginn (Tue 17 Mar 2009)

Five One Hundredths of a Second - 500m Premier Opens Final - AusDBF Nats / Penrith (Fri 19 Apr 2013)
Drew Ginn (*) talks On Confidence (*):

iNflating or deFLating confidence happens all the time. Do you notice how others can have such and influence on your own confidence, and that is not to mention how much your own self talk can magnify what others say and do. [..]

I have reflected on moments during my life when someone has said something that has boosted my confidence and when someone has drained my confidence with something they have said.

via Confidence Balloons(*)o by Drew Ginn (*).

I did a great RPM class (*) today and for some reason i came out of the class and thought of this post that Drew made way back in March 2009. Vincent gave us so much today and for me it was mostly about giving us the confidence to push ourselves past our perceived maximums and achieve new levels of fitness, no matter who we were or why we were there.

I also know this thing about confidence to be true based on my paddling experiences.

When I first started out at PDs in 2005, I received an email from one of the coaches welcoming me to the club and team, adding that they felt I would make a positive contribution. It was only a couple of words but it helped motivate me to be the best I could with the limited experience I had at the time.

Eight years on now, and I am always surprised what a few words can do to lift my failing self-confidence. It happened a couple time this year and the people who boosted my confidence probably had no idea how much they contributed to help push me on.

Another occurrence this year was in the AusDBF National Premier Opens 500m Final (*) where Darren our sweep calls with 150m to go, that you are doing it (*). An amazingly appropriate and uplifting call to make when we were a nose behind and the last part of the race to finish off. Without those four words I am sure it would have been a different result. They gave us the confidence to know that we were there and he believed in us to take It home and to nudge our nose across the line first.

I always try to be positive and as realistic as the situation allows, and I hope that I have helped raise the confidence of a few others over the years. I guess in some way that means I might have more self-confidence than I give myself credit for :-). Hey, nice positive self-talk Geoff.

I am just also reminded of this little incident (*) which was one of the highlights of the USA 2011 Trip (*).

On the other side of the coin I also have learnt what deflates confidence and contributes to a "sub-optimal" performance. I know and remember these times and try to ensure that if they do occur again, that they don't affect me as much as they have done in the past.

Adam Goodes Talk - Auroras 2013 Team Captains Announcement - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)

Auroras 2013 Team Captains Announcement - Adam Goodes Talk - Dragon Boat YouTube (*) Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)
Adam Goodes (*) talks to the Sydney based Australian Dragon Boat Team Members, the 2013 Auroras.

It was a few weeks before we flew out to Hungary for our final training camp in Gyor (*) and then onto Szeged (*) a few days later, for the World Championships.

It was an amazing moment. To think that Adam would come down to say a few words to us.

You knew it was special at the time. But today, looking at this video, it made me realise how special it was. Thanks Adam. You are a Gentleman, a Champion and represent everything that which we aspire to as people and paddlers.

Following Adam's Talk, Kel announced the 2013 Aurora Divisional Team Leaders and overall Team Captains. As each was named, Adam presented the Sydney based Leaders and Captains with a Plaque which acknowledges each persons achievements in being selected to their position.

Finally, Kel thanked Adam for making time to see us, following which he was presented a plaque to remember his time with us. Needless to say, Adam was more than happy to spend a bit of time speaking to us individually and to make a few photos. See below.

Here is my humble efforts to transcribe what Adam said..

Kel suggested I come down here to see you guys who are going off to represent your country which I think is fantastic.

I do like to give back to community as much as possible and thought this was great opportunity.

You know this is not a sport that I am involved with. A sport which I have never tried before, but

[.. from the crowd .. we have got a spare seat. ]

I would hate to kick somebody out of their spot.

It is a fantastic thing, whether, you know, it's your first time representing Australia or whether you have been doing it for so many years as a Master. It is always the same. You have got that Green and Gold.

I have played for Australia four times, I have captained Australia in 2011 over in Ireland at the International Series there.

I didn't really feel what it was like to be a patriot to my Country until I represnted Australia. To see the Americans and how patriotic they are about the flag and everything.

It's not until you represent Australia and you are going away from Australian shores to do it that you actually feel how proud I am about the Country I come from, the Country I am representing and the people that we are.

Look at how diverse we all are just looking at us right now.

It is fantastic that we can go away and represent Australia and give our best. I think that is what being Australian is all about is giving our best.

You are also doing it for ..

The main reason I wanted to come down here today for you guys is to give you a pat on the back. Wish you good luck.

You know it is a fantastic opportunity to ..

You know I have never been to Hungary before. It is a great opportunity to see a different Country. Embrace their culture. Learn somehting new. But also, let them embrace our culture as well. Let them see what Australian people are like.

Have fun. You know, win, lose or draw, you are over there to enjoy yourself.

Get to know people on a different level. Travel together. I know the boys don't like travelling with me because I am a bit of a snorer.

[.. from the crowd - much laughter ..]

I dont have a problem with it, ..

but enjoy, have fun and go and do us proud.

That is the great thing about representing your Country.

It is what it is all about. Good luck.

[.. from the crowd - applause.]

Here are a few photos from the day. Thanks Adam and of course, Kel, for asking Adam.
Adam - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)
Adam - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)
Adam and Sydney-based Auroras 2013 Leadership Team - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)
Adam and Jo - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)
Adam, Jo and Geoff - Bank Street / Pyrmont (Sat 29 Jun 2013)

On How to Get There - Yesterday's Suffering, Today's Inspiration, Tomorrow's Strength

God Still Loves You!!! I Love You, Also - Valletta / Malta (Sat 20 Sep 2014)

How to Get There
By Michael Leunig

Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate.
Go through the gate and head straight out
Towards the horizon
Keep going towards the horizon
Sit down and have a rest every now and again
But keep on going.
Just keep with it.
Keep on going as far as you can
That's how you get there.

.. And that is pretty much what I have done these last 5 years ..

These words have implicitly (I knew of them and their meaning before I even read them for the first time) and explicitly guided me when I was completely lost, and without Purpose and Hope .. "Just keep with it" I would say. And it's a pretty good approach to Life, I would think, given the Situation I found myself ..

At some point along the way you do get "There" - it's not overly obvious that you have arrived, but somehow you know .. just like when you were made aware of how far you had fallen without even noticing.

Now ..

You are strong enough to stand on your own two feet and embrace the world again. You are brave enough to start "letting go", to know there is more to "let go", and more importantly to know that is what Jenny would want of me. To know you have another chance. That what forced you to go "through the gate and head straight out" and where you have been to get "There", has made you a better person - and to know that I should not feel guilty about that. That you have been all over and its been all over you. That you are not a Hopeless case. That you are Awesome. That you are still here for a reason. That you know you still have so much to give. That it was not the End, like you thought, but just the chance for another Beginning.

A chance to show you are resilent. A chance to show you can change, adapt and reinvent yourself. A chance to demonstrate you can think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim of circumstance and Life. A chance to consider that you have been lucky to have shared loved. And through that love, empowered to live life to the full along the path you were destined to walk.

Thank you to everyone that have helped me to get "There" these last 5 years. It has been a remarkable Journey and a few Lessons in Life have been learnt!!! I can’t really believe where I have been. I could write a book about it but at least there is a blog - eljeiffel.blogspot.com.au

This is Life (my Life actually) and I have learnt we need to Live and appreciate it while we can. Jenny showed and gave me this. It was her gift to me ..

Why do I write this now? I write this for me and my timeline. And while it might appear a little self-indulgent, I have no regrets - it is who I have become along the way to "There".

More importantly I write it for others who are or will walk "out through the gate" and search for their "There". It's a choice you make and I know you can do it if you set your heart to it.

I know there is further to go but my outlook is different now.

“There” is always Hope - I am another shining example of this!!

Thanks again.

Yesterday's Suffering, Today's Inspiration, Tomorrow's Strength
Geoff (Wed 25 Feb 2015)

A Journey, A Home - My Legacy to the World - Alexandria (Sun 22 Feb 2015)

Five One Hundredths of a Second - 500m Premier Opens Final - AusDBF Nats / Penrith (Fri 19 Apr 2013)

Five One Hundredths of a Second - 500m Premier Opens Final - AusDBF Nats / Penrith (Fri 19 Apr 2013)
Once, twice or, maybe three times (if you are fortunate enough and willing to take the risks) in a paddling career you do something unbelievable. Something you just can’ t explain, though sometimes it worth giving it a try. Here goes ..

You are happy you have made the major final. You know you are up against strong teams. The favourite, the team directly on your left, you have not beaten in three years. In fact you have not been within a boat length, over 500m, for the last two years. Against the odds, and your failing self-confidence, you still somehow believe that we can still get across the line first. To be part of of something great. There is always hope at the start. It is a chance to create who you want to be. You don't get your hopes up too high, as you have been disappointed in the past. You don't think about all of this too much at this point. The focus is putting your best race on the water and seeing how it compares to the others when you have all crossed the line. You are not overly nervous, but you are excited and proud to be there. A supportive and encouraging tap on the knee for those around you. Remember it is a 30 stroke start. Just focus on the first 3 strokes and take it one by one from there. Clean water. Hand out of the water. Blade buried. Make sure you feel and stay connected with the water with every stroke. The starter aligns us and we ready. "Paddlers, are you ready, attention please" .... the gun does not fire for some reason. This has happened a few time before over the years. Keep your focus, no distractions. We will be away soon. Refocus, lets do it again - 30 Start, first 3, deep and clean - feel the water. "Paddlers, are you ready, attention please" ... "GO". You Go on the "G". 1-2-3, up, up, .. 10, up, up, .. 20, up, up, ..7,..30, reach, reach, hinge, hinge. The boat is up and running and there is something there. We are hingeing and driving through the stroke. The boat is more than running, it is been driven through the stroke like it has felt in training over last few weeks, except this time it is race intensity, not level 4, Remember this Geoff, Remember this moment. We are there next to them, where usually they pull away here, but we talked about staying connected. Give it everything to the 250m and refocus. Somehow, we are sttil there at the 250m. Refocus and reinvent yourself, I think. Drive, Drive is the call, We are still there, connected. You have a 6th sense (and good hearing) and you know without looking that our drummers are side by side. Passing the 200m start hut and the little red lane marker buoy. There is something uplifting in our Sweep's voice - "you are doing it". The lane buoys turn to red - we are 100m out. We have done everything our training has given our bodies - it's amazing to find that something extra that the sport scientists say should not be there. Mentally, prepare for the lift home. This is the most crucial part of the race - they are probably a nose ahead. We are going to have to do something amazing - something the other teams have pulled on us often over the years. "do it for the gold (or was it girls?)" is the call. We lift. We lift. The rate comes up a touch and the boat becomes light as we surge forward with every stroke - narrowing the margin. It is all clear as day, those last few strokes. You give it everything you've got when there is nothing to give. You cross the line, you hear the finish horn blast away in succussion. You look across and you know you have done it. The look in your competitors faces tell you that they know you have also done it and you take a few quiet moments to take it all in, while some of the others around you show their elation more jubilantly. Gasping for air, you touch the same knees as you did before the start. This time the "ritual" tap is to acknowledge your team mates efforts and the fact that you have done something that does not happen that often in a paddling career. "Three cheers for the other crews" is the call from our Drummer - three "hip hip". and a breathless "hooray". We bring the boats in and we all get off. Back slaps and hugs all around. Not even a second thought who won that one as you make your way through the other 180 or so paddlers you have just competed against. You smile and for some reason laugh. This kind of win does not happen that often - "take it in", "take it in" you say to yourself. You see many familiar faces as you walk through the line. They are happy for you. Many you have experienced some amazing experiences around the world in Australian Campaigns past and you hope that the journey with them will continue. Somewhere along the way you hear that we did it by five one hundredths of a second. You know the course well and you smile that you can pick such a small amount of time moments after crossing the line. What a race. You think to yourself, "it's not that we won it, it is how we won it" – it's just not what was expected by many (including yourself) and that is the beauty of dragon boat racing - the randomness and uncertainty to some extent. The boat has never felt like that out of the start and into the transition. You think to yourself, you have never paddled like that before. You feel fortunate that you took the risk to be there, you did the training, the testing, you've put yourself on the line time and time again. You have been crushed by the ramifications of defeat and oddly enough, those one or two other once in a life time victories . At the end of the day you know that it is worth the sacrifices you make to do what you have done, do and hope to do. Maybe this is not the end, but a new beginning ..

I will leave this unedited. It’s just a stream of thought that came out of my subconscious in the last 20 mins. Hope it makes sense and it will be fun to read, many year’s into the future.

Five One Hundredths of a Second - 500m Premier Opens Final - AusDBF Nats / Penrith (Fri 19 Apr 2013)

On Love, Inspiration and Purpose - Khalik Allah (Fri 01 Aug 2014)

Love Foundation - Amsterdam (Tue 20 Aug 2013)
Khalik Allah (*) responds to the following question On Inspiration (*) and purpose (*):

Question: how did you find your purpose (*)? how did you know? how do you tap into that thing that inspires (*) you deep within and never leaves? thank you. Bless

Khalik Allah (*): When you’re in love (*) you’re inspired (*). Love (*) is magnetic. If I love photography (*) then I’m just gonna keep being with it. If you wanna consistently remain inspired (*) then you gotta have a purpose (*) bigger than photography (*), and then do it for that purpose (*).

via Tumblr (*) by Khalik Allah (*).

Obviously applicable to everything in our lives. Nice to see it so clearly abstracted and stated. Thanks Khalik (*).

The Catch - Johnny Puakea and Danny Ching OC Clinic (16 May 2008)

The Catch - Johnny Puakea and Danny Ching Paddling Clinic OC Clinic - at blip.tv (16 May 2008)
John: What I look for is a forward angle on the catch. 99% of people are going to reach and look exactly like this (Danny on ERG in perfect setup) before they take a stroke. But what they are going to do is come 8, 9 or 10 inches before they hit the water. And another 2 or 3 inches before they sink the blade.

So the idea is to set that blade we you reach it.

I hear all the time that "I hit the front iako" in the canoe. Well if you are hitting the front iako, but your putting in the paddle a foot back. So why not just put the paddle in there?

The idea is to reach the paddle to the point you are going to put in. If you can only put the full blade in at this point. Then start there. Don't reach out here and then come back 5, 6 or 7 inches before you set the blade. It's a wasted motion. If you can get in here at this angle, then eventually over time as you get more comfortable then you start moving a half inch further forward, and then move another half inch farther forward.

So forward angle on the catch is the first thing I look for.

I look for a triangle. The bottom of the blade is here is one point. Your top hand is the second point and the back of your hip is your third.

So if you body has this triangle motion and you set the blade there and then you start to use your larger efficient muscles (???).

I will let Danny do some talking as he is good at this.

Danny: As Johny said, the biggest thing is to get your blade to set in the water. It doesn't count if the tip just touches the water and it does not count if it is up in the air. The entire blade has to be set.

Johnny actually showed me a drill that is really hard to do but is surprisingly sounds really easy. You literally just set up, set you blade in the water at forward angle, don't pull and then take it out. Amazing how many people setup in the air start back to pull and it surprisingly simple. All you do is set up the blade and you just set blade in the water, take it out, set it again. This kind of gets you use to knowing where your catch is.

Some people have really long arms that are great for putting the paddle up here. Some people have little short arms. It's kind whatever you can reach comfortably because if you get this point (over extended). You can't pull from here, You can't be really efficient from here. You need to find that extension where you have a forward angle and you setting the whole blade in the under water (at a positive angle).

99% of paddlers get here, start there stroke and it is buried here and this is where the stroke starts (short).

You have a great picture of you and the paddle in the air and this great reach and everything is perfect. But you are not starting your stroke until here. (short)

Johnny: That's why every likes pictures of them paddling in the air, because it looks great. And you get a six man team and everyone looks awesome and then a lot of times with the video you go stroke by stroke.

If you can get someone to take a video of you and you think about that forward angle on the catch and where you are setting your catch. If you go frame by frame, you see each frame as go come back farther and farther until the blade gets in the water.

A lot of times, by the time you set that blade in, a lot of people have this angle (negative) on the shaft.

You have lost your whole load at the front. The reason you are paddling up front is that you are using leverage instead of muscle and that is how I kind of look at it.

[By example] If you are reaching out really far and setting it in, you are using lats, legs, stomach and core muscles. You know if you are in here and bending your arm, and this is where it feels heavy (during the pull). A lot people think I am doing a lot of work, I am really strong and this is working out. Well that's not it. The reason is that it feels heavy is that you no longer have leverage. Out here feels (extended) easy because you ahve leverage. It should feel like you are out in front and you have set the blade and you literally grab onto mud or concrete.

OK I always say, that if a door is closed shut and it is nailed closed. What you are going to do is put your foot one the wall and you ging to have your arm out and you are going to pull on it this way (at 4:25 sec mark - effectively shows leg drive also).

It's the same thing when you are paddling. You are never going to go up to that door and go half way up to it, and give it good yank, because there is no leverage.

Any questions? That is just the first part.

Danny: You will know when you get out and set the blade on forward angle, because it feels heavier and it is actually harder. Once you get going, that's going to help you out just to keep your speed. (???)

When you get out here. Once you set the blade, it feels a lot heavier, then if you are going to pull back and set here (short).

Johnny: That's where the one man technique comes in so handy in canoe paddling. A lot people just paddle 6 mans and not one mans (??). If you have your own boat, you can get out there and see where you are putting the paddle in. No timing to keep up with, nobody is racing you, you are not in the competiiton mode. You just sit there relax and go. OK:

• can I put that paddle in up front?


• Did I have a forward angle?


• Did I set the whole blade?

If you can get that blade set at a forward angle at the front, then half you battle is over.

"That is my life story up until now" - Remembering Jenny (Mon 06 Jul 2009)

The cackle of a Laughing Kookaburra announces the first light of dawn as the sun rose on that cold winters day. With no sleep that night preparing for Jenny's Funeral later in the day, I penned these words to honour Jenny's Life at her Funeral. Six and half years later, looking back at what came out in those last few hours, I am happy. What strikes me most is how I chose to "reflect on the little things". And they are what I miss most. Here it is ..

Jennifer Joy Petterson
24 Mar 1962 - 30 Jun 2009
Age 47 years 3 months and 6 days

"That is my life story up until now."

This is how Jenny ended her "Autobiography" written in 5th class (being 1972). I always enjoyed reading this lengthy account (it had 3 three parts) of Jenny's life up to the age of 10. I loved this story and scanned the original into my computer so that I could read it during a quiet moment at work.

Jenny was the eldest identical twin daughter of Norm and Margaret Petterson of Holt Road, Sylvania. With feet eagerly pressing on Jenny's back at the birth, a younger sister followed 5 minutes after Jenny's arrival. This was her identical twin sister Joanne. She was ready to play and from that time on they were inseparable. On the day of their birth Jenny writes there was a fete at the hospital. Jenny would always tell me that Norm bought a wind up koala at the fete that played music. For some reason she did not write this

The Autobiography, even at the age of 10, shows that Jenny had an eye for detail, as this quote reveals.

"At the age of 4 years and 10 months and 15 days we started school and cried when mummy left us."

It documents many facts and figures - birth weights and lengths, when they first walked, where they holidayed and details such as the colour of the caravans they stayed in - all well recorded for prosperity.

They participated in many sporting activities (which has been a constant throughout Jenny's life) - swimming, physie, jazz ballet, and little athletics, to mention a few.

Furthermore, she recalls the date of their first hair cut. - and even allowing me to determine that her first tooth fell out on my 7th birthday .

More generally what can be summarized from the autobiography is that Jenny had a fun filled, active childhood with her sister Joie and friends, which was encouraged and fostered by their loving parents.

Even as babies there seemed to be an order to things and this became even more apparent once they started to talk (yes that date is also recorded). In Part 1 of Jenny's Autobiography:

"One the 3rd Oct 1964 we had our first haircut and Joie said, 'Denny First', meaning Jenny first".

Jenny even then was a stabilizing influence on Joanne.

As stated above Jenny finishes her "Autobiography" with:

"That is my life story up until now."

Obviously she looks forward to the future and how she will fit into the world as she grows up. In recent years these words struck a chord with me. Today, these words have even greater meaning.

Jenny and Jo progressed to Sylvania High. They started part time work at Grace Bros’, Miranda Fair. Jo in "Cosmetics and Womens Clothing" and Jenny in "Hardware and Gardening" - "Same, Same but Different". I often asked Jenny to recall these days and I would get a kick when she could still recite the cost codes of power tools and various hardware items. The attention for detail was paying off out in the real world!!

During high school, the Girls ramped up their sporting activities and started to focus on Athletics, Cross Country Running and also a bit of Tennis. Interestingly enough, Jo and I would have crossed paths at the CHS State Cross Country Championships held at Hurlstone Ag College in 1977.

They also found time to also progress from Brownies to Girl Guides. Musters and camps were attended and they both rose quickly though the ranks to Patrol Leaders, finally achieving the highest rank of Queen's Guide with presentation of the award by the Governor of NSW, Sir Rodden Cuttler.

School and High School Certificates were sat and good grades recorded in all subjects. Geography was Jenny's favourite - definitely an early sign of a future "Travel Bug". She loved a map and an atlas, and this remained another constant throughout her life.

Successful Grades accomplished in the HSC saw the Girls accepted into the Bachelor of Business at UTS.

Following interviews the Girls accepted Business/Administration cadetships with the Electricity Commission of NSW. Our lives crossed similar paths again, as I had the same Interviewer for my successful application for an Engineering Cadetship. We were now working for the same company - be it 12,000 people.

Group assignments were the norm at UTS and they always found it easier if the group consisted of two members - more specifically themselves. Minimizing traveling, they were on the same wavelength, which provided for a consistent approach to completing the assignment just in time.

At work, as was the case during their school days at Sylvania, Jenny and Jo made many friends. There were lots of "Work Outings" with friends from [Work and] Uni.

Being at an age to travel independently, they made many "trips away". These were always well documented with many photographs taken, always with people in them (themselves typical) and some local landmark behind.

Jenny documents in a 1995 twin survey that they had traveled overseas on 13 occasions, as well as numerous holidays in Australia.

At work Jenny was provided with early work experiences, mainly in Purchasing (there were lots of cost codes to remember there). Jenny then pursued a career in Internal Audit, specializing in large mainframe computer systems and business systems. This was the days before PC's. Joanne followed a more traditional path into financial and management accounting. As PC progresses throughout the organization, there were now many PC Id numbers to remember.

All kinds of sporting activities were tried and some pursued more than others. The main sport would then become Touch Football, participating in three separate competitions each week. Also they found the water and learnt to row single and double sculls, as well as 4's and 8's.

Through a combined interest in running, Jenny and I crossed paths in organising our company's participation in the inaugural Corporate Games held in Nov 1989. I can remember the first time we met and I how I was instantly attracted to her smile, blue eyes and lovely [nature]. On the [day of the Games] I realized that Jenny was an identical twin. We all had a great day.

Afterwards, I often thought of Jenny and a few months later out of the blue, she arranged to give me a team photo from the day and then asked me to partner her to a wedding. I was stunned. We agreed to go out on 30th March 1990 before the wedding in order to get to know each other better. We had dinner and saw a movie. She then showed me photo albums of her travels late into the night - it just seemed so easy to listen and talk to her and even then I hoped that she we would be the one for me. I could not believe she was interested in me. After a month we were going out and a 10 year courtship ensued.

During this time many milestones and life changing experiences occurred. The Girls completed their Masters [in Finance at UTS], Norm (their father) passed away suddenly in hospital, on [Tue 0]2 Jun 1992.

In late Mar 1997 Jenny was diagnosed with breast cancer and a mastectomy followed a few weeks later. She returned to work and got on with her life. On New Years Eve 1997, Margaret (their mother) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Margaret was referred to Jodi as her Oncologist and numerous chemo courses followed. The Girls would attend all consultations with her. Around the same time Jenny's cancer recurred in the scar tissue of the mastectomy. This is when Jodi also became Jenny's Oncologist. Now Margaret and Jenny were having chemo at the same time.

Through a cancer course at Royal Nth Shore, Jenny found Barbara (now Sister Suscila) and that's where they found meditation and a natural/spiritual approach to healing. Around this time Jenny also joined the Sutherland Shire Cancer Support Group which was facilitated by Liz, a social worker with Calvary.

Stong relationships were established and developed with Jodi, Suscila and Liz and though each of their own skill sets and support networks helped influence Jenny's approach and ensuing journey with cancer. I believe they helped Jenny to embrace her cancer and to live life to the full.

Unfortunately Margaret's cancer was quite advanced and spread quickly. Jodi saw in Jenny and Joanne a strength of character and asked them to care palliatively for Margaret at home, while she would make house calls. This has been Jenny and Jo's greatest gift in life, caring for their mother at home for 8 weeks (Jenny was still having her chemo at this time) until Margaret succumbed to her cancer on 28 April 1999 (her wedding anniversary).

Jenny's breast cancer spread to her lungs and in late 1999 scans revealed 10 tumors. A hormone therapy treatment started. Jenny and Jo traveled to visit Suscila in Alice Springs and visited Uluru for the Millennium. Jenny would recall later that she had an amazing experience lying in the red desert sand at the foot of Uluru.

Shortly after her return from Uluru we became engaged and we set about organizing our wedding in just 10 weeks. The big day being the 30th April 2000. What a day. We sang “Song of Joy”. We exchanged vows and rings and then kissed as Husband and Wife. At the reception we made toasts, spoke and danced the night away. A rainbow theme being the unifying element with rainbow inspired flowers, ribbons, cake, speeches and songs. We honeymooned on Lord Howe and shortly after our return Jenny retired from work to pursue her passions (on Jodi's suggestion).

At the Sydney Olympics later that year we must have held the record for the most sessions attended - handball becoming our favourite. We had many fond and inspiring memories from the whole event.

At that time, just over 9 years ago, we had no idea how long we would have together. This did not stop us and we tried to live a normal life with goals set for six months at a time. Holidays were planned and taken - a trip to the Cook Islands to visit Susila over Xmas 2000, a 4 week trip to North West Australia in May 2001 and a return to Lord Howe in Oct 2001 so Joanne and my Mother could share the experience.

Another constant was our annual trip to Mt Kosciusko for a benchmarking 22km walk around the Main Range. This year was her hardest effort – but she did it. Maybe it was a sign of things to come.

In late 2000 I bought a small digital camera to document our travels and lives. I did not know how much time we would have share and the camera gave me some comfort that I could capture our memories.

Jenny's cancer was ever persistent and there was always something going on - radiation, more chemo, hormone injections or tablets and numerous operations - we could watch “House” and could easily relate to the medical terms.

Through one of her chemo treatments, Jenny found a Dragons Abreast flyer at the hospital. This would be start of the biggest change in our lives. Jenny and Joanne took to paddling like "ducks to water" and I found myself photographing them and the dragon boats that they trained and raced. It gave them opportunities to travel wide and far. Our holidays were now planned around Dragon Boat regattas locally and internationally.

Jo would make the NSW and Australian Team to Poland in 2003. Jenny was held back by a course of chemo and numerous trips to the hospital. She still remained involved by videoing the teams at time trials at Penrith.

In 2004 she would make the NSW Team and compete for her country in the World Championships in Shanghai. There could not have been a prouder person when Joanne's Premier Mixed Team won a bronze medal in the 500m race.

During the 2004 Shanghai campaign Jenny’s journey was captured by an Australian Story episode titled "In the Pink". She was nervous participant and a little uncertain about how it would be scripted and received. We all nervously awaited its airing on that June long weekend Monday - unaware as to its content. The episode captured the essence of the Dragons Abreast Movement in Australia, showing all sides to cancer and it's impact - positive and negative.

The episode would popularize Dragons Abreast Australia beyond it's creators wildest dreams. Clubs quickly popped up everywhere across the country and continue to do so. Meanwhile, Jenny and Joanne would become the most well known (yet most humble) paddlers in Australia.

Others today have told of Jenny's inspiring feats on the water and there is no need for me to repeat them. She just loved to paddle and found great comfort amongst her paddling colleagues. It provided a sense of normality to her life and she just seem to fit in, even with compression sleeve on her right arm or the missing hair on her head which was always discreetly hidden by a colourful selection of bandana's.

Jenny empowered many people (with and without) cancer to pursue their dreams. She will live on through Joanne and I and no doubt many others from her inspiring journey. Thinking of Jenny will help influence our decisions and motivate us to achieve our dreams and to decide what is right.

I will miss hearing you breath as you slept. I will miss calling out “I love you” as I leave for work each day. Whistling at the front door when I got home and hearing you whistle back. You were the most amazing thing to happen in my life I am having trouble comprehending the way forward. You provided me with love and gave me hope and life purpose. I would always say to Jenny “I am the lucky one”.

A couple of quotes from her regular talks and Australian Story follow and I think there is something there to inspire us all. No matter the circumstance.

“Cancer is something that people do not expect to happen to them and no matter who is diagnosed, and at whatever time in their life, it is a shock which has huge ramifications for not only the person involved but also their family and friends. It takes a lot of adjustment to get used to.”

“I feel I am so lucky and have a wonderful life. I have had some great opportunities through breast cancer to meet some very inspiring people. Geoff and Jo have been a constant source of support for me. Breast cancer has totally changed my life but for the best.”

“I don't understand how things work out, and why things work out the way they do. I feel like I've been lucky. I don't understand how cancer works, I don't know why I've been blessed the way I have been.”

“It's just in the lap of the gods.”

Enjoy your new “Island Home” and those that surround you [there]. You know that “We’ll be There” and we know that “You’ll be There”.

As we said to each other before we nodded off each night .. Jenny:

“Good Night, God Bless, I Love You.”

"That is my life story up until now."

The Lucky Ones

This is a work in progress. It has been in my head for a long time now, but it has been hard to write. Hopefully, it will make sense. I expect to modify it a bit over the next few weeks, but at least it is a start.

A few months before Jenny died, I read Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike". Jenny had been given a copy by a long time friend, Mena, not long after the book was first published here in Australia (sometime around 2002/3 I am guessing). She read the book quickly and I know she got a lot from the pages. For some reason I did not read the book until early May 2009.

Geoff, Jenny, Mena, Steve and Joanne - Natation DB Titles - Kawana / Qld - Sat 25 Apr 2009 (picasa)

I bought my own copy so that I could read the book that meant so much to Jenny. I think I was motivated by the fact the Jenny was progressing to the final stages of her Cancer (at least that is reluctantly what I quietly started to think - she had just been diagnosed with multiple tumors in her liver on the 11 Mar 2009 - not a very promising situation). I thought I might find something in the pages to understand her and our situation.

I read the book, intermittently over a few weeks, at my local coffee shop before work and on the train to work. There was lots of the book that resonated with me, particularly his encounters with cancer. One part in particular struck a chord with me. It was about a half through, where he writes about what he felt during chemotherapy following neurosurgery to remove a beign brain tumor.

What is stronger, fear or hope? It's an interesting question, and perhaps even an important one. Initially, I was very fearful and without much hope, but as I sat there and absorbed the full extent of my illness, I refused to let the fear completely blot out my optimism. Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not to be afraid.

I wanted to live, but whether I would or not was a mystery, and in the midst of confronting that fact, even at that moment, I was beginning to sense that to stare into the heart of such a fearful mystery wasn't a bad thing. To be afraid is a priceless education. Once you have been that scared, you know more about your frailty than most people, and I think that changes a man. I was brought low, and there was nothing to take refuge in but the philosophical: this disease would force me to ask more of myself as person than I ever had before, and to seek out a different ethic.

A couple of days earlier, I had received an e-mail from a military guy stationed in Asia. He was a fellow cancer patient, and he wanted to tell me something.

"You don't know it yet," he wrote, "but we're the lucky ones."

I'd said aloud, "This guy's a nut."

What on earth could he mean?

When I read this, I stored it away in my mind, eagerly awaiting Lance's own answer to this question - lucky .. What on earth could he mean?. It would come quietly on the last page of the book.

"You don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones," my fellow cancer patient had written.

I will always carry the lesson of cancer with me, and feel that I'm a member of the cancer community. I believe I have an obligation to make something better out of my life than before, and to help my fellow human beings who are dealing with the disease. It's a community of shared experience. Anyone who has heard the words You have cancer and thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to die," is a member of it. If you've ever belonged, you never leave.

Jenny had often indicated that she felt lucky (I think in both aspects - that of surviving an aggressive cancer and oddly enough, having had had cancer). She said this in the Australian Story Episode, "In the Pink":

'I don't understand how things work out, and why things work out the way they do. I feel like I've been lucky. I don't understand how cancer works, I don't know why I've been blessed the way I have been.'

Jenny - Australian Story - "In the Pink - Kirrawee - May 2004 (picasa)

and in her Talks:

'I feel I am so lucky and have a wonderful life. I have had some great opportunities through breast cancer to meet some very inspiring people. Geoff and Jo have been a constant source of support for me. Breast cancer has totally changed my life but for the best.'

Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)

The Rainbow Connection - Phil, John, Marj, Jenny, Liz, Noel - Phil passed away shortly after this photo was taken - he often spoke to Jenny about how luck seemed to play a big part in how things worked out, but sometimes you make you own luck - Rely for Life 2003 - Sylvania Waters - Sat 31 May 2003 - (picasa)

As Jenny's International Dragon Boating Career started, she came to the attention of the Media and in the first Newspaper Article she featured in, she was even compared to Lance Armstrong:

Don Iverson, Director of the Health and Productivity Research Center at the University of Wollongong, said that Ms Petterson could be compared to Lance Armstrong, who won the Tour de France after fighting testicular cancer.

'It's almost superhuman,' he said.

Cancer wont slow rowing champion - Sydney Sun Herald - 2 May 2004

She was a little embarrassed by the comparison, but Jo and I were very proud of Jenny and her achievements in her treatment, her sport and her life as breast cancer survivor.

Geoff, Jenny, Grace, Lynn, Betty, Thomas, Grant, Joanne and David - Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)


After Jenny's passing, I had an encounter in the Intensive Care Unit where Jenny left us. Joanne and I had gone back to thank the staff at the St George Hospital and to pickup some scans that had been lost in Jenny's move from the Level 1 to ICU. We spoke to the head ICU nurses (they were between shifts) and we knew both of them from Jenny's time in ICU (and I was well known to them as I had fainted in ICU on Jenny's second day in ICU after the neurosurgery). We talked a little and I mentioned that Jenny did consider herself lucky to have had cancer - as she said herself - it had changed her life for the better. One the nurses questioned this statement and she made me feel a little uneasy for saying what I had said. She could not believe anyone with cancer could consider themselves lucky. Maybe, she had seen too much of the cold harsh reality of cancer in that ICU. Maybe she was right. It did not seem too lucky now that Jenny was gone?

This conversation stuck in my mind for a long time, and I started to question many things. It was not until I came across the following blog post by Doug Miller that I found some peace. Here was a man who had recently been diagnosed with Cancer. He was articulate and in many ways his post offers so much more than Lance's writings on Cancer and Luck. This is probably the most moving piece of writing I have read in my life. I don't have cancer, but I have lived a shared life with it and it's consequences. I can truly emphasise. Here it is. My heart is with you Doug ..

Doug Miller - Colorado Trail San Juan Mountains - 1994 - A Single Path - (blog)

The Lucky Ones by Doug Miller (Wed 23 Sep 2009)

[..] a friend [..] pointed me to Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike" I picked up a copy and quickly read through it. I liked it.

It had a bit much detail focusing on cycling, but that was an aspect of the man that could obviously not be separated from the larger reality of his battle with cancer.

There were portions though that left my mind spinning. Armstrong's description of his diagnosis and the roller coaster of emotions that ensued was painfully raw and hit the mark with a clarity and similarity I could not deny. I myself am walking those darkened and fearful paths as I write these very words.

Out of all the pages a couple simple statements that he made resonated with me in a powerful way.

Armstrong tells of a letter that he received. It was from a man he had never met before. He himself had battled cancer. He wrote Armstrong to acknowledge his support and positive thoughts. As he finished the letter he made a strange statement that confused Armstrong. He wrote, "you probably do not understand this right now, but we are the lucky ones".

What? How is anyone with cancer lucky? It is devastating. It not only has the potential to steal your life, but also has the destructive potential to steal your Hope. Those words are haunting. Lucky? We are the lucky ones. This brotherhood of suffering is somehow lucky..........blessed?

It is diametrically opposed to any sort of sane thinking that those outside of this brotherhood would agree with. It actually is an almost dangerous statement. As if you say it as you are waking off a cliff without a safety net. A statement such as that redefines everything. Life. Death. And even Hope.

But as I walk this path, and simultaneously encounter life in all its beauty and harshness, I find myself agreeing. "We are the lucky ones". I am lucky. I say those words with a part of me screaming, "how dare you, how can you say that". But it is true. The perspective that cancer gives to life is unbelievable. It has the power to refine you. Your thoughts. Your direction. Your focus.

It is as if you look at life for the first time. Everything is different. Nothing is the same. Everything is turned on edge, revealing a freshness and an urgency that is not seen outside of cancer. If this clarity does exist in our normal lives, it is missed. Overshadowed by the busyness of life. By worthless and empty pursuits.

Another quote from Armstrong's book was this: "Cancer is not about dying, it is about living" What a statement.

Most would argue against it. But those that walk this path find it to be true. Life after diagnosis becomes "alive". It becomes real. It is as if you can grasp it with your own hands, breath it in, consume it.

Oh if I could have had this view earlier in life. I knew that it existed. I sensed it. I chased it. Through the mountains. Through relationships. In the woods and fields of my youth. It was a whisper in the words of poets. And a reflection on the horizon as the sun slipped out of view. But i did not catch it until cancer became my reference. My reality.

We who are members of this brotherhood and sisterhood of suffering are the lucky ones, because now we can truly live. And Love. And Hope. And I dare to say Dream. They are painful dreams, haunted with the shadows of uncertainty, but they are vivid dreams. Passionate dreams. Dreams that leave your heart aching, your soul longing. We are released from the fear of death. Our finite lives are bared.

We come face to face with our mortality and realize that life is looking back at us. Raw and uncertain. But ALIVE none the less. There were days before cancer that I despaired. At times despising my life. But now I am hungry to live. I long to live. Whether that time be long or short, I hold tight to life and all of its glorious agony.

Posted by Doug Miller at 9:11 PM