A Warrior of Light often loses Heart ..

A Warrior of Light often loses heart.

He believes that nothing can stir him in the emotion he so desired. He is forced to spend many evenings and nights feeling that he is one of the vanquished, and nothing seems able to restore his enthusiasm.

His friends [and himself sometimes] say ‘Perhaps his fight is over.

The warrior feels pain and confusion when he hears[/feels] such remarks because he knows that he has not yet reached the place he wanted to reach. But he is stubborn and refuses to relinquish his aims.

Then, when he least expects it, a new door opens.

Clarity - My Island Home - Pau Power and Christine Anu (22 Jan 2019)

One for the timeline ..

Missed this performance of 'My Island Home' at last years Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. Just popped up randomly after listening to an Artificial Intelligence Lecture - thanks YouTube, a machine learning recommendation system algorithm hard at work. The original and the various versions I have heard always give me goose bumps.

Moving around a few times from one end of the state to the other and back somewhere else at the other end, in my youth, I don't really feel I have a home town. Not in the sense that many feel. Somehow 'My Island Home' reminds me, and gives me an identity along with a relationship to the place I feel fortunate to call home - the place I live, share and experience life.

A song, its music and words give it meaning, emotion and feeling. Additionally we have the various performances, be it live, on TV, online or from a playlist on your phone. Again, just like a photo, a performance gives you a sense of time and place (memories I guess) ..

I remember seeing Christine and her partner play 'My Island Home' as buskers in the Pitt Street Mall in the lead up to the Sydney 2000 Olympics. An unforgettable and mesmerising performance by Christine on top of a huge silver globe during the Closing Ceremony of the Sydney Olympics. At the last minute I included a beautiful acoustic version at Jenny's Funeral as the song to mark the end of the service. I will never forget the first notes of the guitar, you could hear a pin drop and there was a clarity of feeling I have never felt before or after - in that moment it marked an end and a difficult but sure beginning. I felt it somehow expressed our new separate physical paths, Jenny's journey giving her a new path and home, as well as Jo and my own first steps in our new journey in life without her. Always brings a small tear to my eye when I think about it for more than a little bit. There was also a sense and clarity that we have to live fulfilling and meaningful lives and not to be burdened by sadness. We owe this to them all and it is a responsibility we all share ..

'My Island Home' gives me the same feelings I experience when flying in over Botany Bay in the rising sun light from the numerous long overseas trips over the last 30 years. You look out and you see the blue of the sky, and down, you see the beautiful blue of the Botany Bay water contrasted with the sand around its edges, the rippled banks and gutters underneath. You are reminded of the clarity of light and colour we take for granted here - you have not seen it anything near it while you were away and somehow it is forgotten until just then looking out the window. With it comes another clarity, the clarity of the feeling that this is my home, a home so far from the rest of the world and my ancestors. In those moments I look down and I wonder how did this place I am looking at become my home. I think of my ancestors, particularly those that made that first 6 month journey here in a leaky boat (another song for another day :-)) in the mid-1800's. I always wonder what made them come here and what they felt when first sighting the Sydney Heads, the gateway to Sydney and a new life. I was lucky enough to paddle around this very point, the entrance to their new home, this morning. We saw the sun rise with a clarity most of us had not seen before and as I paddled I heard various chatter between my friends as we paddled - I knew what they were talking about without hearing the exact words - we all saw and felt it. And in this rising sun I was reminded with clarity of how lucky I am to be living this life, in this time, in this place with my family and friends - 'Our Island Home' ..

[ After 4 years, just bought a new phone. This version of 'My Island Home' (love the hip-hop bit from Mau Power) is the first song on it :-) ]

On Anger - Rebecca Propst

Untitled - Busan (Fri 07 Sep 2012)

Rebecca Propst on Anger:

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.

via Fear of Anger and Avoidance of Conflict by Rebecca Propst.

Have learnt much about anger recently. Thought anger was a futile emotion, but it much more complex than that, as the above quote indicates. If it's there, it's generally there for a reason. It needs to be acknowledged, addressed and can't be harboured for longer than necessary. It takes great strength and emotional intelligence to confront and deal with.

I've been angry when I should not have been, and not angry when I should have been. And there have been many times when I was entitled to be angry.

The difficult emotions and actions around anger are something I've tried to avoid for a lifetime. When it was unavoidable, it usually resulted in a pent up and regretable response. So now knowing a little more helps. As I was told recently:

Know more, Do more, Be more

On Photographs - Objects and Humanity - William Eggleston / Eric Kim (Thu 03 Sep 2015)

Dog and Bike - Alexandria (Tue 01 Sep 2015)

William Eggleston on Photographs:

Objects in photos are naturally full of human presence

via On Capturing Beauty in the Mundane by Eric Kim.

When looked at this way, photos of the derelict, decayed and apparent mundane, can become full of meaning and emotion.

On Photograph - It's Gift - Hilary Swift / Elijah Walker (Sat 01 Aug2015)

late winter afternwoon light - Alexandria (Sat 01 Aug 2015)

Hilary Swift on the Gift of Photogaphy:

It’s taken me places I would have never imagined going, and I have met so many wonderful people that I would not have met without Photogaphy. I get to wake up every day and if I’m really mad or sad, or any negative emotion, I love that photography gives me the option to find something so beautiful every day. It’s like I’m forced to find something beautiful and even if I’m photographing a sad situation, I’m trying to find the light in it.

via Turning Point: Hilary Swift by Elijah Walker.

On Suffering, Sorrow and a Way Forward - Cheryl Strayed / Marie Popova (Tue 15 Jun 2015)

Hands - St George Private Hospital (Sun 28 Jun 2009)

Cheryl Strayed on Suffering, Sorrow and a Way Forward:

we all suffer and we all need to find light in that darkness, strength in that weakness. [..]

you can have a happier life if you think positively in the face of profound sorrow. [..]

I trust that there’s some intuitive place within me that’s driving me forward.

via The Subterranean River of Emotion: Cheryl Strayed on Writing, the Art of Living with Opposing Truths, and the Three Ancient Motifs in All Great Storytelling by Marie Popova.

I know what these words mean - I have lived and felt them and they are how I have chosen to live my Life. And, it is a choice.

On Opinion, Truth and Emotion - Colin Pantell / Jorg Colberg (Mon 24 Nov 2014)

Untitled - "Don't Let a Kiss Fool You" - Copenhagen (Fri 22 Aug 2013)
Colin Pantell (*) writes on Opinion (*), Truth (*) and Emotion (*):

Have an opinion, tell some truth, show some emotion.

via The Helicopterism of Art-Editorial Photography (*) by Jorg Colberg (*) originally from The Dreck of Photographic Muzak (*).

On Numbers and Performance - Vernon Gambetta (Thu 23 Oct 2014)

The Numbers - GPS Results for an Outrigging Training Session - (Thu 23 Oct 2014)
Functional Path Training (*) writes on Numbers (*) and Performance (*):

Numbers need context. Numbers are one dimensional, human performance is multidimensional. We must focus on the human element, the athlete; they are not integers in an equation.

via It’s Still Just A Number (*) by Vernon Gambetta (*).

The numbers always tell a story if you know how to look at them.

The trained eye can see more than the numbers. They see the elements that create them - the environment, human performance and emotion they reflect. I've learnt so much from the numbers and I know how to read them for the sport I have been participating for almost ten years now - an example (*).

I've also seen how the environment, physical and mental reflect their way into performance and as a result, the numbers. I guess it's called experience. You can sit back and let experiences pass you by without even noticing. But if you stop and reflect on the experience, you will remember the how's and the why's of the result. They feed back into future experiences and you will improve.

I do know what Vern talks about though. The numbers are a guide and should not be the be and end all. You have to be there to see how the human element influenced the performance, which are reflected in the numbers. It's the context Vernon talks about.

Only the Inspired Survive - Mitch / Six Pixels of Separation (Wed 09 Jul 2014)

inspired by the light (*) - Sagrada Familia (*) / Barcelona (Thu 08 Aug 2013)
Mitch (*) writes On Inspiration (*):

When you're inspired (*), you're looking (*) for an idea (*) that creates (*) a feeling (*) or emotion (*).

What you do once you're inspired (*), is up to you. [..]

To be inspired, you have to get inspired. This is where most people fall down. [..]

You have to decide right now, how much of your time you are giving to allow yourself to get inspired.

What you will uncover. Slowly. Very slowly. Over time.

Inspiration is, ultimately, what will keep you engaged (*) at work and happy (*) at home.

It will make you healthier (your mind (*), your body (*) and your spirit (*)).

Think about it. Apply it.

via How To Be Inspired At Work (*) by Mitch (*).

Found my inspiration back tonight at my first RPM (*) class in almost three weeks. Thanks Kate you were amazing tonight. You asked what are your goals in tonight's class? For me it was finding my inspiration. 7 weeks until we fly out to World Crews in Ravenna, Italy. A cold, and lots of sadness and guilt have found me losing my rhythm and motivation these last few weeks. It's always a tough time of the year and this campaign is a lot longer than then usual. It is time to pull myself up and be the best I can. Do what you can while you can. So this post and a great RPM class seem to be exactly what I needed (*). Thanks Kate and Mitch.

On Memories, The Past and Moving Forward - Claire Monneraye / Hiromi Tango (Sat May 17 Aug 2014)

Untitled - Alexandria (Wed 28 May 2014)
Claire Monneraye (*) writes On Memories (*) and Moving Forward (*):

emotion (*) and pain (*) and memories (*) can’t be put aside, [..] But new memories can be created by reusing and rebuilding the past (*). [..]

Hiromi Tango (*) adds:

Art has helped me to recover from certain times when I was having difficulties and has helped me cope with memories and emotions,

via Hiromi Tango finds relief from postnatal depression in her craft (*) by Andrew Taylor (*).

On being Touched - Peter Kool - Eric Kim Street Photography (Fri 04 Oct 2013)

Pedestrian Crossing - Osterport / Copenhagen (Fri 23 Aug 2013)
Peter Kool (*) writes On being Touched (*) and Street Photography (*):

a photo has to touch (*) you. It has to evoke some kind of emotion (*); astonishment (*) for different reasons.

via Variety is the Spice of Life: Interview with Peter Kool (*) by Eric Kim (*).

I tried so hard to make a good photo of this intersection. It is one of a kind - the colours of a rainbow.
On Goal Setting, Adam van Koeverden (*) writes (*):

my goal is always the same.

I just want to race my very best.

I want to cross the finish line knowing that I couldn’t have gone any faster.

I want to be sure my tank is totally empty, that I executed a perfect race with great, efficient technique and made all these thousands of kilometers in training worthwhile.

That’s why we train so hard, to make our bests even better.

[ I wrote the following late last Sat Night after observing the 3rd Anniversary of Jenny's passing. I decided at the time not to post it, but I figured I need to stop worrying about what people might think of my writings here. This is from my heart and I hope it shows. We are lucky to be doing what we are doing and I am thankful the opportunities and experiences that we make for each other. ]

Today we fly out to Hong Kong for the 2012 World Club Crew Dragon Boat Championships which start on Wednesday and finish on Sunday. This will be my 9th International Event and the third with my Club. So here are a few Thank You's and Observations.

Hong Kong has been a long term goal for many people in the Club. We virtually have everyone going, so to me that indicates we are a unified group that believes in and supports each other. This is true essence of a strong Team and being a Team Player.

It has been fantastic for us to train with purpose and intent with full crews for the last 11 weeks or so.

With a handful of our paddlers flying out yesterday, Thursday night was our last full strength session of the campaign - I was a little sad as we paddled in at end of the session, knowing that it will be a long time before we will train, as a Club, as we have during this Campaign.

I thank my coaches and team mates for their dedication to the Campaign.

The logistics of the campaign have been handled seamlessly and brilliantly from where I sit. Those involved know who they are and I thank them for their amazing job. To organise 60 or so people is no mean feat. Well done.

We have been coached brilliantly and we have trained hard on and off water. The squad is our strongest to participate at a World Club Crews since our first in Penang in 2008.

I hope for many, your goal for Hong Kong is to go and create a fantastic experience for yourself and ourselves. We are creating memories to last a life time.

For some it will be their first International event, while for others, it will another of many. We can all inspire and learn from each other no matter who we are.

There will be different experiences for each one of us and how we respond to them defines who we are and who we will become. Some things will go our/your way and others will not. There is a randomness to it all. There will be feelings of elation, disappointment and every emotion in between. This is what Dragon Boating is all about and big international events like this can magnify these emotions and their impact. My experience (and I have felt it all) and advice with all of this is to be mindful of others and to remember the Sport and our Club is based on the spirit of team work.

I can say that I go with an open heart and mind. For Jo and I, Jenny guides and inspires us from above and she is there for every stroke and moment along the way.

Finally, have fun and in the spirit of Adam's words above, lets put our best races on the water and make our bests even better, no matter what Team you are in. That would be just reward to all for the effort and sacrifice we (and our Families and Friends) have made to able to participate in our sport, against the best in the world, at such a high level event.

Go the Mighty PD's.

Pacific Dragons - State Titles - International Regatta Centre / Penrith (Sun 11 Mar 2012)
Pacific Dragons 500m Mixed - 2012 AUSDBF National Titles - Docklands / Melbourne (Mon 02 Apr 2012)
Pacific Dragons 2km Mixed - 2012 AUSDBF National Titles - Docklands / Melbourne (Tue 03 Apr 2012)

It's not about the Paddle

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BIKE – LANCE ARMSTRONG

I read the following extract to Jenny twice while she was in Hospital in June 2009. The first time was two days after the surgery to remove a 4cm brain tumor. She listened intently - like a small child being read a fairy tale - while I struggled to remain composed, as I read it to her.

Jenny - St George Private Hospital - Sun 22 Jun 2009 (picasa)
The second time was in the Intensive Care Unit at St George following her "heart failure" episode 6 days earlier (Tue 23 Jun 2009) – a day before she left us on the 30 Jun 2009 at 9:16am. I think and hope she heard me. This little story for me is the essence of the Book, a book she treasured, and ultimately it reads as a "prophecy" for what would unfold in Prague in late August 2009 for Joanne and myself - hope this makes sense .. Geoff

Jenny, Joanne and Geoff - St George ICU - Sun 28 Jun 2009 (picasa)

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BIKE – LANCE ARMSTRONG

If there is a defining characteristic of a man as opposed to a boy, maybe it's patience. In 1995, I finally gained an understanding of the demanding nature of the Tour [de France] and all of its extraordinary tests and dangers. I finished it, and I finished strong, winning a stage in the closing days. But the knowledge came at too high a price, and I would just as soon not have learned it the way I did.

Late in the race, our Motorola teammate, Fabio Casartelli, the 1992 Olympic champion, was killed on a high-speed descent. On a descent, you ride single file, and if one rider goes down, it can cause a terrible chain reaction. Fabio didn't crash alone; 20 riders went down with him. But he hit a curb with the back of his head and fractured his neck and skull.

I went by too fast to see much. A lot of riders were down, and everybody was crouched around someone lying on the ground, but you see that sort of thing a lot in the Tour. It was only a while later that I learned via the team radio what had happened: Fabio was dead. When they tell you something like that, you almost don't believe it.

It was one of the longest days of my life. Fabio was not only the young hope of Italian cycling, he was a new husband and a new father. His baby was just a month old.

Jenny and Geoff - Cape Leveque - 9 May 2001 (picasa)
We had to keep riding, to finish the stage even though we were distraught and sick with shock. I had known Fabio since I first started racing internationally in '91. He lived right outside of Como where I kept my apartment, and we had competed against each other at the Barcelona Olympics in '92, when he won the gold medal. He was a very relaxed, fun-loving man, a little goofy, a joker. Some of the top Italians were more serious, or macho, but Fabio wasn't like that. He was all sweetness.

That night we had a Motorola team meeting to discuss whether we should keep riding or not. We were split. Half of us wanted to quit and go home and cry with our families and friends, and half of us wanted to keep riding in honor of Fabio. Personally, I wanted to stop; I simply didn't think I had the heart to ride a bike. It was the first time I had encountered death, and genuine grief, and I didn't know how to handle it. But then Fabio's wife came to see us, and she said she wanted us to keep riding, because she felt that was what Fabio would have wanted. So we sat in the grass behind the hotel, said a few prayers, and decided to stay in.

Me and my Shadow - "an early start for the first day of the rest of my life" - 7am Wed 01 Jul 2009 (picasa)
The next day the peloton rode in honor of Fabio, and gave our team a ceremonial stage victory. It was another long, terrible day— eight hours on the bike, with everybody grieving. The peloton did not race. Instead we rode in quiet formation. It was virtually a funeral procession, and at last our team rode across the finish line, while, behind us, Fabio's bike was mounted atop the support car with a black ribbon.

The following morning we began the race again in earnest, and rode into Bordeaux. Next was a stage into Limoges, and that night, Och came around to our rooms and told the team that Fabio had had two goals in the Tour: he wanted to finish the race, and he especially wanted to try to win the stage into Limoges. As soon as Och stopped speaking I knew that if Limoges was the stage Fabio had wanted to win for himself, now I wanted to win it for him, and that I was going to finish the race.

About halfway through the next day's stage, I found myself grouped with 25 guys at the front - Indurain was in the yellow leader's jersey, riding at the back. I did what came most naturally to me: I attacked.

The problem was, I attacked too early, as usual. I went with 25 miles still to go, and on a downhill portion. Two things you never do: attack early, and on a downhill. But I went so fast on that downhill that I had a 30-second lead in a finger-snap. The other riders were completely taken aback. I could feel them wondering, What's he thinking?

What was I thinking? I had looked back, and saw guys were riding along, with no particular ambition. It was a hot day, and there was no incentive to pull hard, everyone was just trying to get closer to the finish line where the tactics would play out. I glanced back, and one guy was taking a sip of water. I glanced back again. Another guy was fixing his hat. So I took off. Peoooo. I was gone.

When you have 15 other guys back there from 15 different teams, they'll never get organized. They'll look at each other and say: You pull. No, you pull! So I went, and I went faster than I'd ever ridden. It was a tactical punch in the face, and it had nothing to do with strength or ability; everything depended on the initial shock and separation. It was insane, but it worked.

IDBF Senior Mixed 500m Final - 200m to go - "The Break" - "It was insane, but it worked" – Prague/Racice - Day 4 - 29 Aug 2009
Nobody got within 55 seconds of me again. The team support car kept coming up and giving me reports. Henny Kuiper, our team director, would say, "You're thirty seconds up." Then a few minutes later he'd come alongside again and say, "You're forty-five seconds up."

When he came up the third or fourth time, I said, "Henny, don't come up here anymore. I'm not getting caught."

"Okay, okay, okay," he said, and faded behind my wheel.

I didn't get caught.

I won by a minute, and I didn't feel a moment's pain. Instead I felt something spiritual; I know that I rode with a higher purpose that day. Even though I had charged too early, I never suffered after I broke away. I would like to think that was Fabio's experience too; he simply broke away and separated from the world. There is no doubt in my mind that there were two riders on that bike. Fabio was with me.

Senior Mixed 500m Final - "Instead I felt something spiritual; I know that I rode with a higher purpose that day." Lance A - "Don't Wonder 'What If?'" Jenny P – Prague/Racice - Day 4 - 29 Aug 2009
I felt an emotion at the finish line that I've never experienced again. I felt I was winning for Fabio and his family and his baby, and for the mourning country of Italy. As I came across the line I glanced upward and I pointed to the heavens, to Fabio.

World Champs - Australian Senior Mixed 500m Team - "As I came across the line I glanced upward and I pointed to the heavens" Lance A – Prague/Racice - Day 4 - 29 Aug 2009

After the Tour, Och had a memorial built for Fabio. He commissioned a sculptor from Como to execute a work in white Carrara marble. The team flew in from all over the world, and we gathered at the top of the mountain for the placement of the memorial and the dedication ceremony. The memorial had a sundial on it that shone on three dates and times: his birthday, the day he won the Olympic Games, and the day he died.

Geoff and Joanne at Fabio’s Memorial - we stumbled upon it by complete accident – Col de Portet d'Aspet - Thu 24 Sep 2009 [1] (picasa)
I had learned what it means to ride the Tour de France. It's not about the bike. It's a metaphor for life, not only the longest race in the world but also the most exalting and heartbreaking and potentially tragic. It poses every conceivable element to the rider, and more: cold, heat, mountains, plains, ruts, flat tires, high winds, unspeakably bad luck, unthinkable beauty, yawning senselessness, and above all a great, deep self-questioning. During our lives we're faced with so many different elements as well, we experience so many setbacks, and fight such a hand-to-hand battle with failure, head down in the rain, just trying to stay upright and to have a little hope. The Tour is not just a bike race, not at all. It is a test. It tests you physically, it tests you mentally, and it even tests you morally.

I understood that now. There were no shortcuts, I realized. It took years of racing to build up the mind and body and character, until a rider had logged hundreds of races and thousands of miles of road. I wouldn't be able to win a Tour de France until I had enough iron in my legs, and lungs, and brain, and heart. Until I was a man. Fabio had been a man. I was still trying to get there.

[1] I would like to think the two shadows on the “Wings” of the Memorial represent the spirit of Jenny and her life as a twin with Joanne.. There we are, Joanne and I, counterpoised by the twin shadows of the Joanne and Jenny. Jenny overlooks us and is there with us, Always.

Jenny - "looking out over us - she inspires and guides us from above" - Geoff E - Wolfe Creek Crater, WA - 22 May 2001"

Jenny, Geoff, Joanne - St George - 22 Aug 2006

A warrior of light often loses heart ..

He believes that nothing can stir him in the emotion he so desired. He is forced to spend many evenings and nights feeling that he is one of the vanquished, and nothing seems able to restore his enthusiasm.

His friends [and himself sometimes] say ‘Perhaps his fight is over.

The warrior feels pain and confusion when he hears[/feels] such remarks because he knows that he has not yet reached the place he wanted to reach. But he is stubborn and refuses to relinquish his aims.

Then, when he least expects it, a new door opens.

Another passage from Paulo Coelho's - 'The Manual of the Warrior Light'. Felt a bit like this at times over the last 8 months or so. Still, life goes on - I enjoy what I am doing, even with all stupid mistakes I have made along the way.

Video: It's not my Time by 3 Doors Down
Love the Parkour in the Video - Jenny seemed to know all about Parkour last May when we watched a show on TV - I had never heard of it, but have since seen people in Newtown doing it. Jo told me today, that they would have loved to have done this when they were younger.