There’s so much work that I am doing. There’s times when it’s overwhelming to the point where I have anxiety about how much there is to do, and how little I have done with all the work I put in.
Another extract from Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike". Some parts of the book really connected with me. Here is the one that resonates the most ..
How do you confront your own death? Sometimes I think the blood-brain barrier is more than just physical, it's emotional, too. Maybe there's a protective mechanism in our psyche that prevents us from accepting our mortality unless we absolutely have to.
Jenny - 'A little tidy up of Jenny's hair - it was always my job to do this.' - Kirrawee - 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
The night before brain surgery, I thought about death. I searched out my larger values, and I asked myself, if I was going to die, did I want to do it fighting and clawing or in peaceful surrender? What sort of character did I hope to show? Was I content with myself and what I had done with my life so far? I decided that I was essentially a good person, although I could have been better—but at the same time I understood that the cancer didn't care.
Jenny and Geoff - 'off we head to the Hospital' - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
I asked myself what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn't pray. [..]
I believed, too, in the doctors and the medicine and the surgeries — I believed in that. [..]
Jenny Collage - The Night Before Brain Surgery - The White Markers were placed on Jenny's head before an MRI - they would be used by the Nuerosurgeon to assist in precisely locating the Tumor from a digital scan of the MRI. - St George Hospital - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
Beyond that, I had no idea where to draw the line between spiritual belief and science. But I knew this much: I believed in belief, for its own shining sake. To believe in the face of utter hopelessness, every article of evidence to the contrary, to ignore apparent catastrophe— what other choice was there? We do it every day, I realized. We are so much stronger than we imagine, and belief is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics. To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery.
Jenny with the Flowers from Julia and Todd (photo to come), and Pacific Dragons - St George Hospital - Tue 16 Jun 2009 (picasa)
To continue believing in yourself, believing in the doctors, believing in the treatment, believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing, I decided. It had to be.
Without belief, we would be left with nothing but an overwhelming doom, every single day. And it will beat you. I didn't fully see, until the cancer, how we fight every day against the creeping negatives of the world, how we struggle daily against the slow lapping of cynicism. Dispiritedness and disappointment, these were the real perils of life, not some sudden illness or cataclysmic millennium doomsday. I knew now why people fear cancer: because it is a slow and inevitable death, it is the very definition of cynicism and loss of spirit. So, I believed.
Jenny, Joanne, David and Geoff - "Jenny takes a photo of us all just before she heads out to have a 4cm brain tumor removed. She had no fear and looked forward to quickly recovering to resume the treatment of the tumors in her liver." - St George - 6:30am Wed 17 Jun 2009 (picasa)
Will try add some more photos (partly done now - Geoff 10 Mar 2009) and maybe some of my own recollections and thoughts on Jenny's Night before brain surgery. There is a bit of story here if I can find the strength to write about it.
Jenny - 'Just before heading out for surgery.' - St George Hospital - 7am Wed 17 Jun 2009 (picasa)
I remember the overwhelming (*) vastness (*), losing a sense of myself, and then pointing my camera (*) into that space (*), [..] When you open yourself up to the vastness, with no points of reference (*), you feel (*) an incredible sense of release (*).
via Photographer Murray Fredericks' favourite things (*) by Ali Gripper (*).
Loved my Canon Pro1 (*) which I used for our Europe 2005 (*) trip, my first to Europe, and only one with Jenny. The camera was a little dark on the corners (vignetting), but the sensor had a painterly effect that I have not seen in my Canon cameras since.
Murray has been a big influence on me (*), and coincidently I was planning to watch his SALT DVD (*) tomorrow.
Nonconceptual - Mindfulness is awareness without absorption in our thought process.
We are aware of what we are experiencing during the race, rather than distracted by thoughts.
Present-centered - Mindfulness is always in the present moment. Thoughts about our experience are one step removed from the present moment.
Thoughts from the past or in the future are unhelpful for performance. We are best served being absorbed in the present moment, present stroke, present feeling.
Nonjudgemental - Awareness cannot occur freely if we would like our experience to be other than it is.
Pain, and distractions are not judged as good, bad, or overwhelming, but just acknowledged without removing your focus from your paddling.
Intentional - Mindfulness always includes an intention to direct attention somewhere. Returning attention to the present moment gives mindfulness continuity over time.
Your attention will wander, continually bringing it back develops the ability to maintain focus.
Participant observation - Mindfulness is not detached witnessing. It is experiencing the mind and body more intimately.
Brings you more in touch with the feel of the water and how you are paddling.
Nonverbal - The experience of mindfulness cannot be captured in words, because awareness is always investigating subtler levels of perception.
Mindfulness involves feeling and experiencing rather than putting things into words or judging what you are feeling.
Liberating - Every moment of mindful awareness provides freedom from conditioned suffering.
'Conditioned suffering' is a harsh term for unhelpful thought processes that may invoke unnecessary fear, sadness, anger or undermine confidence.
Taken from Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, Germer, Siegel and Fulton, with words in italics added.
Just found this amongst my Sydney 2007 emails. Will find appropriate credit for the paddling tips.
Frozen - Water - Perisher Valley (Wed 27 Jun 2001)
Joanne, Jenny and Geoff - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Windsor - Sat 28 Oct 2006 (picasa)
In 2006, Jenny, Joanne (Jenny's younger identical twin) and myself (Jenny's husband) decided to do the Hawkesbury Canoe Classic (HCC) with our paddling club, Pacific Dragons. By mid June 2006, there was enough interest to enter three mixed OC6's crews.
At the time we, along with a number of other PD's paddlers (see picasa), some who were also paddling the HCC, had also been selected to represent Australia at the 2006 Asian Dragon Boat Championships in Macau in late Sep 2006 (see picasa). It was great campaign and we even learnt how to paddle and race standing up.
On our return, via Singapore for a Breast Cancer Survivor Dragon Boat Regatta for Jenny, we had about four weeks to prepare for the HCC. Our team comprised of 5 paddlers from the Macau Campaign (Mandy, Nicci, Jenny, Joanne and Geoff) and Paul who would do the majority of our steering. We were commonly referred to as the Macau Crew, but we decided to call ourselves Team Happy for our team entry application, as we were a happy bunch of paddlers. We were in it for fun and we did have a whole 13 hours of fun and finished strongly standing up.
A year later, I was asked 3 days before the 2007 HCC to fill a seat, in a Mixed OC6, that had become vacant due to a paddler injury. They were called the Red Devil's and had been training seriously for months. They wanted to have fun, but they also wanted to break the Mixed OC6 record, which they did. I was pleased to help out at such short notice and have fond memories of the crew and night (see picasa). Jenny and Joanne even came to the start line to wave us off (picasa). It was a nice surprise as I was not expecting them to come out because of a Breast Cancer Seminar they attended that day in the City.
Sadly, we lost Jenny on Tue 30 Jun 2009. Joanne and I have tried to live fulfilling lives, something that Jenny wanted for us. We have paddled in her memory and honour. She inspires and guides us from above. It is barely 12 months, and we already have some great memories.
In 2009, Joanne and I did not paddle the HCC. We had only just returned from Europe after the 2009 World Dragon Boat Championships. I was able help out at quite few training sessions towards the end, and Joanne and I went to the start line to wave the PD's Mixed OC12 crew off (picasa). Lisa has some great recollections of her experience (see Part: 1, 2 and 3).
In 2010, Jo and I will paddle the HCC.
Shortly after Jenny's passing, the 2009, Prague bound, Australian Dragon Boat Squad presented Jo and I with a gift in Jenny's memory. It was a Star, located in the southern sky, named In the Memory of Jenny Petterson in the Constellation of Vela. Vela is latin for Sail and the star was picked because of the Constellation's water themed name.
Jenny, believed the 2006 HCC was an experience that created life time memories, which it surly does, as anyone who has paddled the HCC will tell you. She fondly recalled (see more further below):
It was such a great experience under a sky filled with thousands of stars.
It is something that we will be able to look back on for the rest of our lives.
So when it came time to name our 2010 Mixed OC6 (Charlotte, Rachel, Jo, Alasdair, Graeme and Geoff) Team, I tried to think of a name that allowed us to remember Jenny and to inspire us. It had to be Team ?? following our 2006 tradition. It did not take long to come up with Team Vela which I think allows us recognise the past, present and future.
I hope this goes some way to explaining the name - Team Vela.
This post includes some photos and recollections from the 2006 HCC, as well as a couple of inspirational quotes.
We will remember Jenny as we paddle under a thousand stars. In particular, we will remember Jenny and the star named in Jenny's Memory in the Constellation of Vela as it shines down brightly upon us from the southern sky.
Go Team Vela! - the most fantastic team on the Hawkesbury!!!!
Regards .. Geoff
Joanne, Jenny and Geoff - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Windsor - Sat 28 Oct 2006 (picasa)
On our return from Macau a routine CT scan showed that I had an accumulation of fluid around my lung. I had it drained so I was able to take part in the Hawkesbury Canoe Classic. This is an 111 kilometre race from Windsor to Brooklyn along the Hawkesbury River. All types of craft including kayaks, canoes, outrigger canoes and surf skis take part in the race. It was a fantastic experience. I was a member of a six person team who paddled an outrigger canoe. Geoff and Jo were also in the team. We set off at 6pm and paddled through the night arriving 13 hours later. It was such a great experience under a sky filled with thousands of stars.
Pacific Dragons Crews and Supporters - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Windsor - Sat 28 Oct 2006 (picasa)
Jenny and Joanne - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Windsor - Sat 28 Oct 2006 (picasa)
"A single step repeated hundreds and thousands of times would see us eventually arrive at the end. It did not take superhuman strength or a talent that most do not have. It took a steadfast commitment. Step by step, the miles added up and the challenges slipped by. Today just like those days on the trail, is another step. Tomorrow is yet another. I walk this journey in anticipation of the end, but I also know that there is much to learn in the process. It is the process, no matter what the hardship where great beauty and adventure can be found."
Sunrise - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Hawkesbury River - Sun 29 Oct 2006 (picasa)
Sunrise - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Hawkesbury River - Sun 29 Oct 2006 (picasa)
Respect your soul: don’t keep repeating "I’m going to make it". Your soul already knows that, what it needs is to use the long journey to be able to grow, stretch along the horizon, touch the sky. An obsession does not help you at all to reach your objective, and even ends up taking the pleasure out of the climb. But pay attention: also, don’t keep saying "it’s harder than I thought", because that will make you lose your inner strength.
Team Happy - Geoff, Jenny, Mandy, Jo, Nicci and Paul - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Brooklyn - Sun 29 Oct 2006 (picasa)
Sarah and Gav - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Brooklyn - Sun 29 Oct 2006 (picasa)
Gav wrote on Mon 30 Oct 2006 ..
PDs, There are some very inspirational people in this club. They won't jump out at you, and they won't tell you about it - but if you stop, look and listen you will see immense courage, inner strength, and team work mixed in with a joke and a smile.
3 PD OC6s + Claire on her ski, showed some true grit on the weekend by finishing the Hawkesbury, and in good time. Each paddler taking 40,000 strokes through the night (give or take a couple).
For a race so long, you can't start the race with the mind set and strength you need to finish it. It's impossible. You have to find it along the way. Brutal mind games that get played out as the kms tick over.
The paddlers have to dig deeper and deeper in themselves in order to keep going and enduring the pain and extreme fatigue.
In the darkness, they imagine the sweet sweet moment at the finish line where they realise their goal of conquering the distance, and finally allowing their bodies to stop.
Sometimes it feels like it is getting further away. But when it finally, actually, really happens - PADDLES OUT- the sense of achievement mixed with relief is overwhelming and pure ecstasy.
Tears, smiles and hugs all round.
After the Hawkesbury, your concept of distance and yourself changes forever. From then on, you are never again afraid of 'not being able to finish' a race. It is now just a question of how hard you can go.
Well done to the 'Amazing 18' !!! May we all be made of the same stuff.
There is only one way to find out.
Joanne and Jenny - Hawkesbury Canoe Classic 2006 - Brooklyn - Oct 2006 (picasa)
On Wed 1 Nov 2006, Jenny wrote ..
Thank you all so much for the wonderful experience. It was unbelievable and seems like a bit of a dream now. It was truly an honour to be a part of Team Happy. It is something that we will be able to look back on for the rest of our lives.
We cannot thank you Gav, Sarah, Tamara and Luke (and for that matter, all of the other land crews) enough for all the support you gave us. You all made things so easy for us and looked after us soooo well. We could never have done it without you. From helping us on and off the boat, keeping us warm, feeding us, helping us change and massaging our weary bodies. You are the best!
Go Team Happy! - the most fantastic team on the Hawkesbury!!!!
