Is Suffering a Private Matter? by Cath Duncan (Wed 16 Feb 2011)

Beautiful Day by U2 (Boston 2001)
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

You're on the road
But you've got no destination

Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow

Beautiful Day by U2


Some times you stumble across a post that takes your breath away. This one did for me:

• Is Suffering a Private Matter? by Cath Duncan (16 Feb 2011)

It captures much of what I have felt, thought or had to consider during the last 21 Months and it does feel a bit like the Beautiful Day lyrics above, particularly:

You've been all over
And it's been all over you

Here are the dot points from the article:

Grief needs to be expressed in some way – either privately or with witnesses, in order to heal. [..]

Some people say that suffering is a private matter because..

• It’s important to avoid embarrassment and rejection by your tribe


• It’s important to protect the parts of yourself that are most vulnerable


• It’s important to protect other people from pain


• It’s important to take your pain to “professionals” who know how to deal with it


• During grieving, it’s important to tune out external influences and tune into your own inner wisdom


• It’s important not to focus on your suffering in a public way because what you focus on grows

[..]

On the other hand, some people say that suffering can be more easily negotiated when it’s out in the open because:

• Keeping your suffering private engenders self-judgment, shame, loneliness and pain


• Sharing your suffering brings people together


• Sharing your suffering facilitates healing


• Sharing your suffering promotes resilience – in yourself and others

[..] the benefits of sharing your suffering with empathic people are incredibly powerful! It’s scary to share about our suffering, but I don’t want to miss out on such powerful benefits and opportunities for healing!

Have come a long way since the first day of the rest of my life back on Wed 01 Jul 2009. Thought I would capture a photo just now so that I can remember this day, which also just happens to be the 21st Anniversary since the first time that Jenny and I went out to dinner together and to see a Movie Look Who's Talking.

Geoff - 21 Months Down the Track - Alexandria (0:16am Wed 30 Mar 2011)
Geoff - "an early start for the first day of the rest of my life - 'where do you start?'" - Alexandria - 7am Wed 01 Jul 2009 (picasa)

Beautiful Day Lyrics

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

The Warrior never judges someone else's suffering

'It's just a storm in a tea cup,' someone says to the warrior of light.

But he never exaggerates his difficulties and always tries to remain calm.

And he never judges someone else's suffering.

A small detail - which does not affect him in the least - could serve to ignite the storm brewing in his brother's soul. The warrior respects the suffering of others and does not try to compare it with his own.

The cup of suffering is not the same size for everyone.

From the Manual of Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho - (more here)

"Shattered"/"Fractured" - La Perouse - Aug 2002 (picasa)

Suffering can become a path to liberation ..

Suffering can become a path to liberation because it pushes us into parts of ourselves that we'd never had ventured into otherwise. It is suffering that breaks us open to compassion, wisdom and understanding.

Petria King - Your Life Matters

Joanne, Petria, Jenny - Quest for Life - Bundanoon - Tue 23 Mar 2005 (picasa)

A Beam of Light - ATP / Redfern - 08 Mar 2002 (picasa)

On Suffering, Sorrow and a Way Forward - Cheryl Strayed / Marie Popova (Tue 15 Jun 2015)

Hands - St George Private Hospital (Sun 28 Jun 2009)

Cheryl Strayed on Suffering, Sorrow and a Way Forward:

we all suffer and we all need to find light in that darkness, strength in that weakness. [..]

you can have a happier life if you think positively in the face of profound sorrow. [..]

I trust that there’s some intuitive place within me that’s driving me forward.

via The Subterranean River of Emotion: Cheryl Strayed on Writing, the Art of Living with Opposing Truths, and the Three Ancient Motifs in All Great Storytelling by Marie Popova.

I know what these words mean - I have lived and felt them and they are how I have chosen to live my Life. And, it is a choice.

On How to Get There - Yesterday's Suffering, Today's Inspiration, Tomorrow's Strength

God Still Loves You!!! I Love You, Also - Valletta / Malta (Sat 20 Sep 2014)

How to Get There
By Michael Leunig

Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate.
Go through the gate and head straight out
Towards the horizon
Keep going towards the horizon
Sit down and have a rest every now and again
But keep on going.
Just keep with it.
Keep on going as far as you can
That's how you get there.

.. And that is pretty much what I have done these last 5 years ..

These words have implicitly (I knew of them and their meaning before I even read them for the first time) and explicitly guided me when I was completely lost, and without Purpose and Hope .. "Just keep with it" I would say. And it's a pretty good approach to Life, I would think, given the Situation I found myself ..

At some point along the way you do get "There" - it's not overly obvious that you have arrived, but somehow you know .. just like when you were made aware of how far you had fallen without even noticing.

Now ..

You are strong enough to stand on your own two feet and embrace the world again. You are brave enough to start "letting go", to know there is more to "let go", and more importantly to know that is what Jenny would want of me. To know you have another chance. That what forced you to go "through the gate and head straight out" and where you have been to get "There", has made you a better person - and to know that I should not feel guilty about that. That you have been all over and its been all over you. That you are not a Hopeless case. That you are Awesome. That you are still here for a reason. That you know you still have so much to give. That it was not the End, like you thought, but just the chance for another Beginning.

A chance to show you are resilent. A chance to show you can change, adapt and reinvent yourself. A chance to demonstrate you can think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim of circumstance and Life. A chance to consider that you have been lucky to have shared loved. And through that love, empowered to live life to the full along the path you were destined to walk.

Thank you to everyone that have helped me to get "There" these last 5 years. It has been a remarkable Journey and a few Lessons in Life have been learnt!!! I can’t really believe where I have been. I could write a book about it but at least there is a blog - eljeiffel.blogspot.com.au

This is Life (my Life actually) and I have learnt we need to Live and appreciate it while we can. Jenny showed and gave me this. It was her gift to me ..

Why do I write this now? I write this for me and my timeline. And while it might appear a little self-indulgent, I have no regrets - it is who I have become along the way to "There".

More importantly I write it for others who are or will walk "out through the gate" and search for their "There". It's a choice you make and I know you can do it if you set your heart to it.

I know there is further to go but my outlook is different now.

“There” is always Hope - I am another shining example of this!!

Thanks again.

Yesterday's Suffering, Today's Inspiration, Tomorrow's Strength
Geoff (Wed 25 Feb 2015)

A Journey, A Home - My Legacy to the World - Alexandria (Sun 22 Feb 2015)

What is Mindfulness?

What is Mindfulness?

• Nonconceptual - Mindfulness is awareness without absorption in our thought process.
  
  We are aware of what we are experiencing during the race, rather than distracted by thoughts.



• Present-centered - Mindfulness is always in the present moment. Thoughts about our experience are one step removed from the present moment.
  
  Thoughts from the past or in the future are unhelpful for performance. We are best served being absorbed in the present moment, present stroke, present feeling.



• Nonjudgemental - Awareness cannot occur freely if we would like our experience to be other than it is.
  
  Pain, and distractions are not judged as good, bad, or overwhelming, but just acknowledged without removing your focus from your paddling.



• Intentional - Mindfulness always includes an intention to direct attention somewhere. Returning attention to the present moment gives mindfulness continuity over time.
  
  Your attention will wander, continually bringing it back develops the ability to maintain focus.



• Participant observation - Mindfulness is not detached witnessing. It is experiencing the mind and body more intimately.
  
  Brings you more in touch with the feel of the water and how you are paddling.



• Nonverbal - The experience of mindfulness cannot be captured in words, because awareness is always investigating subtler levels of perception.
  
  Mindfulness involves feeling and experiencing rather than putting things into words or judging what you are feeling.



• Liberating - Every moment of mindful awareness provides freedom from conditioned suffering.
  
  'Conditioned suffering' is a harsh term for unhelpful thought processes that may invoke unnecessary fear, sadness, anger or undermine confidence.

Taken from Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, Germer, Siegel and Fulton, with words in italics added.

Just found this amongst my Sydney 2007 emails. Will find appropriate credit for the paddling tips.

Frozen - Water - Perisher Valley (Wed 27 Jun 2001)

The Lucky Ones

This is a work in progress. It has been in my head for a long time now, but it has been hard to write. Hopefully, it will make sense. I expect to modify it a bit over the next few weeks, but at least it is a start.

A few months before Jenny died, I read Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike". Jenny had been given a copy by a long time friend, Mena, not long after the book was first published here in Australia (sometime around 2002/3 I am guessing). She read the book quickly and I know she got a lot from the pages. For some reason I did not read the book until early May 2009.

Geoff, Jenny, Mena, Steve and Joanne - Natation DB Titles - Kawana / Qld - Sat 25 Apr 2009 (picasa)

I bought my own copy so that I could read the book that meant so much to Jenny. I think I was motivated by the fact the Jenny was progressing to the final stages of her Cancer (at least that is reluctantly what I quietly started to think - she had just been diagnosed with multiple tumors in her liver on the 11 Mar 2009 - not a very promising situation). I thought I might find something in the pages to understand her and our situation.

I read the book, intermittently over a few weeks, at my local coffee shop before work and on the train to work. There was lots of the book that resonated with me, particularly his encounters with cancer. One part in particular struck a chord with me. It was about a half through, where he writes about what he felt during chemotherapy following neurosurgery to remove a beign brain tumor.

What is stronger, fear or hope? It's an interesting question, and perhaps even an important one. Initially, I was very fearful and without much hope, but as I sat there and absorbed the full extent of my illness, I refused to let the fear completely blot out my optimism. Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not to be afraid.

I wanted to live, but whether I would or not was a mystery, and in the midst of confronting that fact, even at that moment, I was beginning to sense that to stare into the heart of such a fearful mystery wasn't a bad thing. To be afraid is a priceless education. Once you have been that scared, you know more about your frailty than most people, and I think that changes a man. I was brought low, and there was nothing to take refuge in but the philosophical: this disease would force me to ask more of myself as person than I ever had before, and to seek out a different ethic.

A couple of days earlier, I had received an e-mail from a military guy stationed in Asia. He was a fellow cancer patient, and he wanted to tell me something.

"You don't know it yet," he wrote, "but we're the lucky ones."

I'd said aloud, "This guy's a nut."

What on earth could he mean?

When I read this, I stored it away in my mind, eagerly awaiting Lance's own answer to this question - lucky .. What on earth could he mean?. It would come quietly on the last page of the book.

"You don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones," my fellow cancer patient had written.

I will always carry the lesson of cancer with me, and feel that I'm a member of the cancer community. I believe I have an obligation to make something better out of my life than before, and to help my fellow human beings who are dealing with the disease. It's a community of shared experience. Anyone who has heard the words You have cancer and thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to die," is a member of it. If you've ever belonged, you never leave.

Jenny had often indicated that she felt lucky (I think in both aspects - that of surviving an aggressive cancer and oddly enough, having had had cancer). She said this in the Australian Story Episode, "In the Pink":

'I don't understand how things work out, and why things work out the way they do. I feel like I've been lucky. I don't understand how cancer works, I don't know why I've been blessed the way I have been.'

Jenny - Australian Story - "In the Pink - Kirrawee - May 2004 (picasa)

and in her Talks:

'I feel I am so lucky and have a wonderful life. I have had some great opportunities through breast cancer to meet some very inspiring people. Geoff and Jo have been a constant source of support for me. Breast cancer has totally changed my life but for the best.'

Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)

The Rainbow Connection - Phil, John, Marj, Jenny, Liz, Noel - Phil passed away shortly after this photo was taken - he often spoke to Jenny about how luck seemed to play a big part in how things worked out, but sometimes you make you own luck - Rely for Life 2003 - Sylvania Waters - Sat 31 May 2003 - (picasa)

As Jenny's International Dragon Boating Career started, she came to the attention of the Media and in the first Newspaper Article she featured in, she was even compared to Lance Armstrong:

Don Iverson, Director of the Health and Productivity Research Center at the University of Wollongong, said that Ms Petterson could be compared to Lance Armstrong, who won the Tour de France after fighting testicular cancer.

'It's almost superhuman,' he said.

Cancer wont slow rowing champion - Sydney Sun Herald - 2 May 2004

She was a little embarrassed by the comparison, but Jo and I were very proud of Jenny and her achievements in her treatment, her sport and her life as breast cancer survivor.

Geoff, Jenny, Grace, Lynn, Betty, Thomas, Grant, Joanne and David - Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)


After Jenny's passing, I had an encounter in the Intensive Care Unit where Jenny left us. Joanne and I had gone back to thank the staff at the St George Hospital and to pickup some scans that had been lost in Jenny's move from the Level 1 to ICU. We spoke to the head ICU nurses (they were between shifts) and we knew both of them from Jenny's time in ICU (and I was well known to them as I had fainted in ICU on Jenny's second day in ICU after the neurosurgery). We talked a little and I mentioned that Jenny did consider herself lucky to have had cancer - as she said herself - it had changed her life for the better. One the nurses questioned this statement and she made me feel a little uneasy for saying what I had said. She could not believe anyone with cancer could consider themselves lucky. Maybe, she had seen too much of the cold harsh reality of cancer in that ICU. Maybe she was right. It did not seem too lucky now that Jenny was gone?

This conversation stuck in my mind for a long time, and I started to question many things. It was not until I came across the following blog post by Doug Miller that I found some peace. Here was a man who had recently been diagnosed with Cancer. He was articulate and in many ways his post offers so much more than Lance's writings on Cancer and Luck. This is probably the most moving piece of writing I have read in my life. I don't have cancer, but I have lived a shared life with it and it's consequences. I can truly emphasise. Here it is. My heart is with you Doug ..

Doug Miller - Colorado Trail San Juan Mountains - 1994 - A Single Path - (blog)

The Lucky Ones by Doug Miller (Wed 23 Sep 2009)

[..] a friend [..] pointed me to Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike" I picked up a copy and quickly read through it. I liked it.

It had a bit much detail focusing on cycling, but that was an aspect of the man that could obviously not be separated from the larger reality of his battle with cancer.

There were portions though that left my mind spinning. Armstrong's description of his diagnosis and the roller coaster of emotions that ensued was painfully raw and hit the mark with a clarity and similarity I could not deny. I myself am walking those darkened and fearful paths as I write these very words.

Out of all the pages a couple simple statements that he made resonated with me in a powerful way.

Armstrong tells of a letter that he received. It was from a man he had never met before. He himself had battled cancer. He wrote Armstrong to acknowledge his support and positive thoughts. As he finished the letter he made a strange statement that confused Armstrong. He wrote, "you probably do not understand this right now, but we are the lucky ones".

What? How is anyone with cancer lucky? It is devastating. It not only has the potential to steal your life, but also has the destructive potential to steal your Hope. Those words are haunting. Lucky? We are the lucky ones. This brotherhood of suffering is somehow lucky..........blessed?

It is diametrically opposed to any sort of sane thinking that those outside of this brotherhood would agree with. It actually is an almost dangerous statement. As if you say it as you are waking off a cliff without a safety net. A statement such as that redefines everything. Life. Death. And even Hope.

But as I walk this path, and simultaneously encounter life in all its beauty and harshness, I find myself agreeing. "We are the lucky ones". I am lucky. I say those words with a part of me screaming, "how dare you, how can you say that". But it is true. The perspective that cancer gives to life is unbelievable. It has the power to refine you. Your thoughts. Your direction. Your focus.

It is as if you look at life for the first time. Everything is different. Nothing is the same. Everything is turned on edge, revealing a freshness and an urgency that is not seen outside of cancer. If this clarity does exist in our normal lives, it is missed. Overshadowed by the busyness of life. By worthless and empty pursuits.

Another quote from Armstrong's book was this: "Cancer is not about dying, it is about living" What a statement.

Most would argue against it. But those that walk this path find it to be true. Life after diagnosis becomes "alive". It becomes real. It is as if you can grasp it with your own hands, breath it in, consume it.

Oh if I could have had this view earlier in life. I knew that it existed. I sensed it. I chased it. Through the mountains. Through relationships. In the woods and fields of my youth. It was a whisper in the words of poets. And a reflection on the horizon as the sun slipped out of view. But i did not catch it until cancer became my reference. My reality.

We who are members of this brotherhood and sisterhood of suffering are the lucky ones, because now we can truly live. And Love. And Hope. And I dare to say Dream. They are painful dreams, haunted with the shadows of uncertainty, but they are vivid dreams. Passionate dreams. Dreams that leave your heart aching, your soul longing. We are released from the fear of death. Our finite lives are bared.

We come face to face with our mortality and realize that life is looking back at us. Raw and uncertain. But ALIVE none the less. There were days before cancer that I despaired. At times despising my life. But now I am hungry to live. I long to live. Whether that time be long or short, I hold tight to life and all of its glorious agony.

Posted by Doug Miller at 9:11 PM

Going out on a Limb - Tree of Life Review - Paul Byrne (Sat 02 Jul 2011)

Going out on a Limb - Tree of Life Review (click to read) - Paul Byrne (Sat 02 Jul 2011)
This is my Life - just completely blown away by this Movie.

The imagery of Water and Trees. The silent suffering and subsequent loss of a son and brother, a Brother's searching and wandering, the amazing Jessica Chastain - her inner and outer beauty as Mrs O'Brien - her tragic loss, the one a Mother should never have to bear.

Not for everyone and I would not recommend it, unless you have some kind of empathy towards it's themes, until after reading Paul Byrnes review above (it helped me see it in a different way, compared to if I had not read the review).

Audiences will be polarised. During my screening yesterday afternoon, one person stormed out loudly within the first 30 minutes, while most appaulded at the end (the only time I have witnessed this, based on my experience of watching many movies at the Dendy since Jenny left us two years ago). The audience was definitely an older one compared to the usual Dendy audience and I was probably the youngest one there.

Will definitely go again as I fell asleep in a couple of parts (exceptional tired from all the training and early hours commuting), besides I just want to take it all in again.

[Postscript: My 500th Post.]

God's Pallete - A Master Stroke - Tree - Lake Burley Griffin / Canberra (Mon 05 Aug 2002)
Geoff, Jenny and Betty (my Mum) - Off to the 2005 NSW Sport Awards - Jenny had been nominated for the NSW Masters Womens NSW Sports Award Alexandria / Sydney (Tue 15 Feb 2005)
Geoff and Betty - at the same time, 300km away, Tim's world fell apart and we almost lost him them that night, as we would find out later - our world, my Mother's world would change forever, 20 Days Later - Alexandria / Sydney (Tue 15 Feb 2005)
Transition - water - Jerrabomberra Creek / Canberra (Sat 12 Mar 2005)

A Warrior of light is wise; he does not talk about his defeat

The warrior of light never forgets the old saying: the good little goat doesn't bleat.

Injustices happen. Everyone finds themselves in situations they do not deserve, usually when they are unable to defend themselves. Defeat often knocks at the warrior's door.

At such times, he remains silent. He does not waste energy on words, because they can do nothing; it is best to use his strength to resist and have patience, knowing that Someone is watching, Someone who saw the unnecessary suffering and who will not accept it.

That Someone gives him what he most needs: time. Sooner or later, everything will once more work in his favour.

A warrior of light is wise; he does not talk about his defeats.

From the Manual of Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho - (more here).

Has felt a bit like this of recent, though if I were to take this passage literally I should not be talking about it :-) Thinking about it a bit more, I have decided that 'That Someone' referenced in the text should be me. Will move past this as we make our way to Macau in late July.

Lake Burley Griffin Sunset - Black: Dark Days - Canberra - 02 Aug 2002 - (picasa)

Decisions - Paulo Coelho

tree - Alexandria (Mon 27 Jun 2016)

Paul Coelho on Decisions:

The warrior of the light is terrified when faced with important decisions.

"That is too great for you," says one friend. "Go on, be brave," says another. And his doubts only increase.

After some days of anxiety, he withdraws into a corner of his tent, where he usually sits to mediate and pray. He sees himself in the future. He sees the people who will benefit and lose out because of his actions. He does not wish to cause unnecessary suffering, but nor will he abandon the path.

So the warrior allows the decision to appear. If he must say yes, then he shall bravely say it. If he must say no, then he shall say so without fear.

[Another first day of the rest of my life]

via The moment to decide by Paul Coelho.

A Couple of Random Quotes (Agile Living)

Hard work provides the opportunity to make sure that when that inspiration comes, you’re ready for it. You can build a solid base while you’re waiting, putting you in the position to use your creativity to propel something that’s already good to a level of greatness.

Planning your Creativity by Thursday Bram (18 Jan 2011)


Striving towards meaningful goals can be an important part of finding satisfaction in life. Remember it is the "striving" that is important, not the achievement. If we do not enjoy the daily commitment to bettering ourselves, it is unlikely that achieving the final objective is going to bring any lasting happiness.

The Problem With Goals by John Bardos (13 Nov 2010)


Finally, I am still trying to take the following post in:

• Is Suffering a Private Matter? by Cath Duncan (16 Feb 2011)

Seems rather timely considering I am thinking a lot about why and what I have posted here over the last 21 months.

Note: Found the web site from where the above posts come from via a Google Search for the term make mistakes well, the title of a recent post. Really quite a coincidence and has given me a lot to think about.

Jenny and Geoff - Nelson Bay / Port Stephens (Sun 06 Jul 2003)

Learning to be a little more Certain of the Uncertain - Well Maybe?

Detail - Loch Ness Locks / Fort Augustus / Scotland (Sat 04 Sep 2005)
I did not find the Loch Ness Monster,
but I did find this amazing piece of rusted iron.
I have a been a little stuck on this post. Whenever this happens I look to the Manual of the Warrior of Light (*) by Paulo Coelho (*) and found this ..

A warrior knows that the ends do not justify the means.

Because there are no ends, there are only means. Life carries him from unknown to unknown. Each moment is filled with this thrilling mystery: the warrior does not know where he came from or where is going.

But he is not here by chance. And he is overjoyed by surprises and excited by landscapes that he has never seen before. He often feels afraid, but that is normal in a warrior.

If he thinks only of the goal, he will not be able to pay attention to the signs along the way. If he concentrates only on one question, he will miss various answers that are there beside him. That is why the warrior submits.

This is my 1000th post. A milestone of sorts and something I would not have thought possible when I made my first post (*) here on Thu 26 Feb 2009.

I think the above passage from the Manual of the Warrior of Light (*) provides a useful metaphor for this blog and the 1000 posts that it now comprises.

It is a reflection of my life and who I am. I am never quite sure where it is going - I just try to make connections between what I read, what I see, what I photograph and what I feel.

A lot has happened and changed in the last three and half years since that first post. I have learnt a lot about myself and others. I have made plenty of mistakes, yet I think I have done a few things right. I have been defeated, yet I have have had a few wins, for which I am grateful. I have been sad and I have been happy. I have felt lost and without purpose yet in some ways I have found myself. I have looked to the past, present and future. I have had regrets [and learnt how to let them go]. I have given up and I have battled on. I have lost belief in myself, yet I have found ways to restore that belief. I have been hurt, upset and I have forgiven. I have cried and I have laughed. I have been directionless and without purpose, yet I have had goals. I have been inspired. I have tried hard, too hard sometimes. I tried to be something I am not, and I have learnt my limits and what I can be. I have watched and followed, and at times I have lead, mostly unknowingly I should think.

Somehow I am happy when some say I should be angry. I have suffered and have empathised with the suffering of others. I have been drawn into other people's battles and have known how to respond. I believe in luck (and fate) and know that it comes from being prepared and the willingness to take a risk.

I have changed but remained the same. I am older though I feel younger. I am experienced but still feel like a beginner. I am wiser but more naive. I found a voice (an awkward one at that) I did not know I had. You don't know how far you have been until you get back. I've been all over and it's been all over me . Therefore I am thankful for this blog and what I have learnt about myself and others.

Many times I have asked myself why? post what I have posted here and other times I have said to myself, well why not? (this post being an example). I am starting to forget things, so it is nice to make the effort to write what is important, so it can be recalled. I have memories and I am making memories.

Most importantly, I have Remembered Jenny (*) - how she lived and how she died. Jo and I are the bearers of her memory and she lives on in our hearts and in our minds until we lay to rest beside her.

I could go on, but I won't ().

It's all here in these 1000 posts which are just like snapshots of my life.

Like Paulo Coelho's good warrior, I am not really sure where I am going and what might be ahead. I have come to learn that this is what life is all about. Ultimately I think I have learnt to become a bit more certain of the uncertain. I have accepted this - well at least I think I have.

Hopefully, i will have the opportunity to post another 1000 posts. Let's see what happens.

[the warrior] is overjoyed by surprises and excited by landscapes that he has never seen before - Loch Ness / Scotland (Sat 03 Sep 2005)

On Photography - Understanding - Alex Webb / americanphotomag.com (16 Dec 2011)

Untitled - George Street / Sydney (Apr 2013)
Alex Webb (*) talks On Photography (*):

I feel that on some level I photograph to understand (*) what it is and why it is I'm photographing. It's a process of understanding (*).

via Books of the Year: Alex Webb's "The Suffering of Light" (*) by Stan Horaczek (*).

My Brother Tim

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets

Under Pressure (*) - David Bowie and Queen

Recently posted a video of Annie Lennox and David Bowie singing Under Pressure at the 1992 The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert at Wembley Stadium. In the post I included the lyrics as I often can't quite make out what is being sung (which is Okay). On listening to the song, the meaning of the above lines were instantly clear to me.

Today is the 7th of March and this is the day we take as the passing of my younger brother Tim on Mon 7th March 2005.

Sadly, Tim found himself in a position (Under Pressure I guess) where he considered the best option was to take his own life in a lonely spot by the side of Lake Burley Griffin, less than a couple of km's from the centre of Canberra's Parlimentary Circle (and where we will shortly participate for our State and Club at the 2011 AusDBF National Dragon Boat Championships). A remarkably powerful statement to make about how he felt about life.

His sudden death and it's nature had a hugh impact on his Family and his close Friends.

There will be always the question Why?, but that is not really important now. We should look to remembering the time we had with Tim and as well as the relationship we had with him. Remember the good times.

It is important also to acknowledge his silent suffering and the nature of his death (part of the reason for writing this post). Anger and Regrets are futile emotions. For me, the most important thing is understanding and forgiveness, something I asked all to embrace from the very first moments. This is far more productive, particularly when combined with a sense of persistence, determination, courage to live our lives to the full, no matter the circumstances.

How we respond to life's twists and turns shapes who we become. Choose to live life to the full, learn (don't be afraid to make mistakes - lots of them actually - you will learn more that way), and become stronger, wiser and more resilent.

Was planning to write more, but finding it a little difficult to express myself clearly. So what I do in these circumstances, is hand it over to the photos and the memories they contain. Don't have too many actually (he avoided camera's for some reason), but here they are ..

Cheers - Jo, Tim, Geoff, Jenny, David, Jenny - Darook Park / Cronulla (Sun 30 Apr 2000)Tim and Grace - Coffs Harbour (25 Dec 2000)Geoff, Jenny, Tim and Jo - Alexandria (18 Nov 2001)Tim, Thomas and Geoff - Bronte (23 Dec 2001)Geoff, Mum and Tim - Wagga Wagga (19 Jan 2002)Tim, Grandpa and Geoff - Malua Bay (07 Dec 2003)Tim and Aunty Erica (*) - Batehaven Book Exchange / Batehaven - (07 Dec 2003)Mum, Tim (London Bound) and Lynn - You must be somewhere in London - Sydney International Airport (01 Jul 2004)Mum, Tim (London Bound) and Geoff - You must be somewhere in London - Sydney International Airport (01 Jul 2004)Photo Poster 1 for Tim's Get Together - Griffith / Canberra (Sat 12 Mar 2005)Photo Poster 2 for Tim's Get Together - Griffith / Canberra (Sat 12 Mar 2005)Photo Poster 3 for Tim's Get Together - Griffith / Canberra (Sat 12 Mar 2005)"Despair" - Canberra (Sat 12 Mar 2005) )
Together Again

One year later I would place the Ashes of Tim and my Father at Canberra's Norwood Crematorium. I had my Father's Ashes moved from Wagga Wagga (another story in itself). Jenny, Jo, Lynn and Erica were there also. Tim travelled a lot and my Aunt always said that he was searching for his Father. After all his searching I could now say to her that they were together again.

Tim and Tom - Norwood Park / Canberra (Fri 10 Mar 2006)Jenny, Geoff, Jo and Lynn - Norwood Park / Canberra (Fri 10 Mar 2006)Jenny, Geoff and Joanne - Norwood Park / Canberra (Fri 10 Mar 2006)Tim and Tom - Norwood Park / Canberra (Fri 10 Mar 2006)-->
A tree overlooking them .. - Norwood Park / Canberra (Fri 10 Mar 2006)

On Art, Life and Death - Matthew Sleeth /SMH (Tue 17 Feb 2015)

"Found - A Heart" - Diggers Beach / Coffs Harbour (Mon 16 Feb 2015)

Matthew Sleeth on the power and influence of Art in our Life:

Art is partly about changing material into thought, but, for many artists, it is also about changing yourself through the process of making the art and moving past the limitations of your daily circumstances.

via Myuran Sukumaran and Andrew Chan have earned a second chance by Matthew Sleeth.

My heart goes out to Myuran and Andrew and their Families and Friends. Their story of transformation and support is inspiring and it is this that I will take from the pain and suffering we witness and feel in ourselves, as their imminent executions unfold before us:

Very few people ever materially change their lives; I mean really change their lives, not just fiddle around the edges. It's very difficult to do and takes a great deal of courage, support and time. [..] The definition of rehabilitation is becoming a better, changed person and both Myu and Andrew have achieved this through their own courage and the support they have received from their community.

It is hard to know what to say in this time. All I think I can say is thank you Myuran and Andrew, your transformations and strength of character inspires me to be a better person in my own life. May you be blessed.

Running - Evermore (Wed 03 Jun 2009)

Running - Evermore / YouTube (*) (Wed 03 Jun 2009)
I have this song from iTunes and listen to it a lot and finally found the above on YouTube.

I had heard it on the radio when it was released and liked it as an RPM song also.

I watched this with Jenny the night of the big game. I had a little injury and missed the Aus training for Prague that night. Joanne was not there as she was at the training session in the rain and cold. I sat on the lounge while Jenny stretched out and I massaged her feet and toes - something she loved.

At that moment in time we did not know that Jenny had a 4cm brain tumour - that news would come one week later. Another week later she would have the brain tumour removed (*). A week after that her heart would fail (*) to be revived for a painful week in ICU where Jenny would leave us (*), suffering a massive pulmonary embolism.

Maybe the lyrics would become a precursor to the journey that is bereavement, grief and knowing that there is a future. This blog shows this all:

I don't know
I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand

Cause I know
How it feels
All the pain
Is so real
Cause you sink
And you drown
Till your feet hit the ground
Running, running, running, running

I always remember this when I hear this song. It is now nice to have the video from the Games pre game entertainment to remember those moments of innocence before the events that would change our lives forever.

OC - Oh See! - Cnr Nathan Road and Public Square St / Hong Kong (Tue 03 Jul 2012)

OC - Oh See! - Cnr Nathan Road and Public Square St / Hong Kong (Tue 03 Jul 2012)
Bright shafts of light randomly flooded the canyon like streets of Hong Kong.

I almost instinctively responded to this by trying to capture the passing traffic (cars, trucks, bikes and people) as they emerged out of the shadows.

An Alex Webb (*) book - The Suffering of Light (*) - I recently bought from Amazon at Eric Kim's (*) suggestion (*) certainly helped me to see this way for the first time.

Alex on opportunity in photography:

“Luck – or perhaps serendipity – plays a big role… But you never know what is going to happen. And what is most exciting is when the utterly unexpected happens, and you manage to be there at the right place at the right time – and push the shutter at the right moment. Most of the time it doesn’t work out that way. This kind of photography is 99.9% about failure."

Detail - OC - Oh See! - Cnr Nathan Road and Public Square St / Hong Kong (Tue 03 Jul 2012)