The greatest performance (*) enhancer is self-belief (*).
He expands
Wiping away those doubts (*) of uncertainty (*), of losing, the fear (*) of getting beaten. Gone - GONE! - are those limiting thoughts (*), replaced by the phrase made famous by the first black president of the United States: 'Yes We Can' (*).
The unstoppable force of self-belief (*) is so often the missing ingredient in an athlete's journey (*) along the road to success (*). [..] The strongest weapon in any sporting endeavor is the mind (*).
via Guest blog: The greatest performance enhancer is... (*) by Scott McGory (*).
She was a servant of her talent (*), compelled to use her servitude (*) to make what she needed to make. [..]
Bells go off when you look at her pictures; you become witness to something big. Proust talked of "the apogee of the particular." That's here. This gives Maier's work psychological and philosophical force, something deeply observant. At the same time, she also has an outsider's (*) view of the world. She's one who watches, silently observes (*), is alert to the tiniest disturbance in the visual or psychic field. [..] The valor of being alive comes into focus.
via Jerry Saltz on Finding Vivian Maier: An Invisible Artist and the Man Who Found Her (*) by Jerry Saltz (*).
David Malouf (*) writes On The Sydney Opera House (*) which 40 years ago appeared near the Sydney Harbour Bridge (*) as :
a new emblem [..] and Sydneysiders immediately saw the two as mirrors of one another, the arc of the bridge and its broken reflection; another arc, but divided now into sections and fitted one inside the next. The new force ran between the two. Like the force in Paris that runs between Notre Dame and the Eiffel Tower, and in Rome between the Colosseum, the Pantheon and Michelangelo's St Peter's.
via Angel of Bennelong Point (*) by David Malouf (*).
Have a stable of friends and colleagues [..] these people can give you enough encouragement (*), motivation (*) and self-belief (*) to plough on and develop ..
via Dos and Don'ts of Anastasia Taylor-Lind (*) on Colin Pantall's blog (*).
Had the pleasure of meeting up with Uwe again after 13 years, and also to meet Olja for the first time. Thank you, you were great hosts.
It was nice to recount some old memories - Uwe was the driving force behind some amazing projects, back in the early days of open-source software in the Eiffel World - the eljeiffel project (this blog was a long dormant result of the project). I still use some of the resulting software tools and programing concepts on a daily basis.
It was great to talk about what has happened in the intervening years since we last met, as well as what is happening in our lives now, along with our future hopes.
I look forward to you being my guests sometime in the near future.
The crushing force of time is before my eyes, and I myself try to keep pressing the shutter release of the camera. In this inevitable race between the two of us, I feel I am going to be burnt up.
via Daido Moriyama: Now and Now: Steven Kasher Gallery (28 Mar 2013 - 04 May 2013) (*) via The crushing force of time .. (*) by Photographs on the Brain (*).
Interestingly enough, and something I did not know until just now ..
Daido Moriyama was born in 1938 along with a twin brother, who died when Daido was two. [..]
I think little known fact has a hugh bearing on Moriyama's photographic direction and subsequent career. More On Being A Twin (*) later. Back to the Photography:
Moriyama’s images convey the artist’s boldly intuitive exploration of urban mystery, memory, and photographic invention. Moriyama’s work immerses us in the melancholic beauty of life at its most ordinary.
Hands and Gestures (1 of 3) - Detail (1 of 2) - The Met / New York City (Mon 15 Aug 2011)
Yesterday's post (*) about the Eric Kim (*) cue on gestures and hands, reminded me to look at some of my recent, yet easily forgotten, photos, in a different light.
This photo is a detail crop of a nicely framed full size photo I took on the steps of The Met (*).
I really love the lady on the left - her hands and facial expression, they make it for me. It is the center of the photo for me and there are many other compelling elements to explore nice you force yourself from her gaze.
To follow is another detail crop and the original full-size photo from which both were drawn.
I also realised that I had posted (*) about this before through a Joel Meyerowitz (*) quote, which I will repeat here ..
So the idea is to walk and watch what is happening in any crowd and see if there is an interaction.
A gesture or a hug or kiss or goodbye.
Something that is a significant gesture that makes it interesting for people to look at in a photograph.
01. Cosmic Girl – Jamiroquai 02. I Gotta Feeling – TransNoise 03. My Life Would Suck Without You (Bass Force Remix) – Kelly Clarkson 04. Home – Paul van Dyk feat. Johnny McDaid 05. The Pretender – InTheWind 06. Sincere For You feat. Kirsty Hawkshaw (Radio Mix) – Lange 07. Evacuate The Dancefloor (DJ KTW Remix) - Studio88 08. Don’t Know What To Do – Dane Rumble 09. No Air duet with Chris Brown – Jordin Sparks featuring Chris Brown
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas - Venaccio remix
I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
A feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
Tonight's the night, let's live it up I got my money, let's spend it up Go out and smash it like oh my God Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off
I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out and just lose it all I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go Let's go way out spaced out and losing all control
Fill up my cup, mazel tov Look at her dancing, just take it off Let's paint the town, we'll shut it down Let's burn the roof, and then we'll do it again
Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it And do it and do it, let's live it up And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it
'Cause I gotta feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
Tonight's the night (Hey!) Let's live it up (Let's live it up) I got my money (My pay) Let's spend it up (Let's spend it up)
Go out and smash it (Smash it) Like oh my God (Like oh my God) Jump off that sofa (Come on!) Let's get, get off
Fill up my cup (Drink) Mazel tov (Le heim) Look at her dancing (Move it, move it) Just take it off
Let's paint the town (Paint the town) We'll shut it down (Let's shut it down) Let's burn the roof And then we'll do it again
Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it And do it and do it, let's live it up And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, do it, do it, do it
Here we come, here we go, we gotta rock (Rock rock rock rock rock) Easy come, easy go, now we on top (Top top top top top) Feel the shot, body rock, rock it, don't stop (Stop stop stop stop stop) Round and round, up and down, around the clock (Rock rock rock rock rock)
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday (Do it!) Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday (Do it!) Get, get, get, get, get with us, you know what we say, say Party every day, p-p-p-party every day
And I'm feelin', woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
I gotta feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night Woohoo
01. Cosmic Girl – Jamiroquai 02. I Gotta Feeling – TransNoise 03. My Life Would Suck Without You (Bass Force Remix) – Kelly Clarkson 04. Home – Paul van Dyk feat. Johnny McDaid 05. The Pretender – InTheWind 06. Sincere For You feat. Kirsty Hawkshaw (Radio Mix) – Lange 07. Evacuate The Dancefloor (DJ KTW Remix) - Studio88 08. Don’t Know What To Do – Dane Rumble 09. No Air duet with Chris Brown – Jordin Sparks featuring Chris Brown
Home Lyrics
The people poured their concrete floors, And built their churches and their walls, They painted pictures of their hopes and fears on them.
A single look, a tiny touch can change the system, it’s enough, And I can see it all in you love.
And your eyes explode with light, explode with light, I’m covered in your light.
My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we’re closer. My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we’re closer.
They fashioned streets out of the rock, And struck up statues to their gods, And hung out flags on every corner they made.
We are charged, spoiling to go, You bring me back back to where I’m from, A billion molecules all lined up.
And our hearts are pulsing with life, Pulsing with life, we’re pulsing with life.
My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we’re closer. My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we’re closer.
A repost of a relevant post in order for it to come up on the Tampa 2011 Label. Here it is .. Geoff (23 May 2011).
As we had hoped (see A Familiar Path - "A Walk to Remember" - 28 Nov 2009), Joanne, David and myself did the 22km Main Range Walk on 1 Jan 2010. I recently read the following in a Paulo Coelho Book. I liked the story (as it can be applied to all aspects of life, not just "mountains") and I thought it would be a nice way to remember this first walk without Jenny. I have annotated the words with some of my photos from the walk. Here it is .. Geoff (20 Jan 2010)
Choose the mountain you want to climb: don’t pay attention to what other people say, such as “that one’s more beautiful” or “this one’s easier”. You’ll be spending lots of energy and enthusiasm to reach your objective, so you’re the only one responsible and you should be sure of what you’re doing.
Mount Kosciuszko - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Know how to get close to it: mountains are often seen from far off – beautiful, interesting, full of challenges. But what happens when we try to draw closer? Roads run all around them, flowers grow between you and your objective, what seemed so clear on the map is tough in real life. So try all the paths and all the tracks until eventually one day you’re standing in front of the top that you yearn to reach.
Jo crossing the Snowy River at Charlotte Pass - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Learn from someone who has already been up there: no matter how unique you feel, there is always someone who has had the same dream before you and ended up leaving marks that can make your journey easier; places to hang the rope, trails, broken branches to make the walking easier. The climb is yours, so is the responsibility, but don’t forget that the experience of others can help a lot.
Blue Lake - Fri 1 Jan 2010
When seen up close, dangers are controllable: when you begin to climb the mountain of your dreams, pay attention to the surroundings. There are cliffs, of course. There are almost imperceptible cracks in the mountain rock. There are stones so polished by storms that they have become as slippery as ice. But if you know where you are placing each footstep, you will notice the traps and how to get around them.
Rock Abstract - Fri 1 Jan 2010
"Green" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
The landscape changes, so enjoy it: of course, you have to have an objective in mind – to reach the top. But as you are going up, more things can be seen, and it’s no bother to stop now and again and enjoy the panorama around you. At every meter conquered, you can see a little further, so use this to discover things that you still had not noticed.
"Bush Fires" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jo and David - Fri 1 Jan 2010
"Snow" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Respect your body: you can only climb a mountain if you give your body the attention it deserves. You have all the time that life grants you, as long as you walk without demanding what can’t be granted. If you go too fast you will grow tired and give up half way there. If you go too slow, night will fall and you will be lost. Enjoy the scenery, take delight in the cool spring water and the fruit that nature generously offers you, but keep on walking.
Main Range Path - Keep on Walking - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Respect your soul: don’t keep repeating “I’m going to make it”. Your soul already knows that, what it needs is to use the long journey to be able to grow, stretch along the horizon, touch the sky. An obsession does not help you at all to reach your objective, and even ends up taking the pleasure out of the climb. But pay attention: also, don’t keep saying “it’s harder than I thought”, because that will make you lose your inner strength.
Lake Albina - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Be prepared to climb one kilometer more: the way up to the top of the mountain is always longer than you think. Don’t fool yourself, the moment will arrive when what seemed so near is still very far. But since you were prepared to go beyond, this is not really a problem.
The final km ? - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Be happy when you reach the top: cry, clap your hands, shout to the four winds that you did it, let the wind – the wind is always blowing up there – purify your mind, refresh your tired and sweaty feet, open your eyes, clean the dust from your heart. It feels so good, what was just a dream before, a distant vision, is now part of your life, you did it!
Jo - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Geoff - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jo and Geoff - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Make a promise: now that you have discovered a force that you were not even aware of, tell yourself that from now on you will use this force for the rest of your days. Preferably, also promise to discover another mountain, and set off on another adventure.
Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jenny - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Nov 1994
Tell your story: yes, tell your story! Give your example. Tell everyone that it’s possible, and other people will then have the courage to face their own mountains.
In his book A Life that Counts, Jeremy Rolleston introduces us to trainer Rob Rowland-Smith. A bit of searching on the Internet and you will find Rob as the SandhillWarrior on Twitter. He certainly impressed Jeremy (as well as me - see here) with his inspirational words and quotes. On pages 136 and 137 of his book, Jeremy quotes Rob's long version of What is a Workout (the short version appeared here a few days ago) as follows:
Here’s a quote by inspirational trainer Rob Rowland-Smith. He wrote it in the context of a workout, but for me, it epitomises the journey, process and outcomes of a committed and disciplined life. I placed it on the front page of my Olympic training folder so I’d read it often, and most times, I read it before I worked out so I’d be better able to discipline myself and work hard enough to achieve what I wanted to achieve during that training session:
"What is a workout?
A workout is 25% perspiration and 75% determination.
Stated another way, it is one part physical exertion and three parts self-discipline.
Doing it is easy once you get started.
A workout makes you better today than you were yesterday.
It strengthens the body, relaxes the mind and toughens the spirit.
When you workout regularly, your problems diminish and your confidence grows.
A workout is a personal triumph over laziness and procrastination.
It is the badge of a winner – the mark of an organised, goal-oriented person who has taken charge of his or her destiny.
A workout is a wise use of time and an investment in excellence.
It is a way of preparing for life's challenges and proving to yourself that you have what it takes to do what is necessary.
A workout is a key that helps unlock the door to opportunity and success.
Hidden within each of us is an extraordinary force.
Physical and mental fitness are triggers that can release it.
A workout is a form of rebirth.
When you finish a good workout, you don’t simply feel better ... you feel better about yourself."
Rob completes this with the following words:
To follow your dreams takes commitment ... and this means discipline.
Some great words here and they will certainly help me focus on what is needed when working towards a Dream.
When you workout regularly, your problems diminish and your confidence grows. - Jenny and Deb Cooper stroking with George sweeping - DBNSW 2008 Development Squad - Blackwattle Bay / Sydney (Sun 26 Oct 2008)
When you finish a good workout, you don’t simply feel better ... you feel better about yourself." - DBNSW 2008 Development Squad - Blackwattle Bay / Sydney (Sun 26 Oct 2008)
Today I heard this song for the first time in at least 2 years. The above is a video and the lyrics are below.
It is swelting in Sydney as I write this, at the end of hot summers day and I am covered in sweat. Spent this lovely Saturday afternoon on Sydney Harbour paddling in an OC6 from Glebe to Middle Harbour and back. Very windy, very hot and tough conditions. Still a great session and it makes you realise how lucky we are to have this beautiful city, it's harbour, the experiences we make for ourselves and the friendships we have with each other.
Pacific Dragons OC6 Mixed Crew - Paul, Jenny, Geoff, Marie, Liz, and Leslie - Ettalong / Central Coast - Jan 2007 (picasa)
Anwyay, on the way back to Alexandria from the session, in Wilson Street / Newtown [Note: 1], I had my radio on and heard this song.
Instantly, I became quite emotional (actually started crying uncontrollably - yes I'll admit it) and had to pull over. It was the song I had been trying to find for the last 19 months, since Jenny left us. I did not know it's title or any of the lyrics. All I knew was the tune. As a result, this made it difficult to track down. Apart from the tune, I also felt it was a Matchbox Twenty song.
Jenny had talked about it on it's release, when someone in her Cancer Support Group played the song at one the weekly Tuesday meetings. It seemed to mean a lot to Jenny and all her colleagues at the Group.
I had tried to find the song many times since Jenny's passing, and I now know I was looking in the wrong place, as it is Rob Thomas song, not a Matchbox Twenty song (I had even bought a few Matchbox Twenty CD's to try and find the song, obviously to no avail).
While listening to the song in the car this afternoon, all I tried to do was remember (my memory is not that flash) a line from the chorus so that I could search for it as soon as I got back to Alexandria. The line I remembered was:
A quick search found the above video and I then realised the song was from a Disney Animation Movie Meet The Robinsons, which I know little about (I am sure it is very good - actually have half a feeling that Jenny and Jo may have sneaked it in one Tuesday afternoon at the Movies. Will check with Jo). So I have no idea of the meaning of the song in the context of the Movie. Though with every song I think we are allowed to bring our own experiences and interpretations to it, even if we mishear the lyrics (I am reassured that this is OK :-).
Over the years, when Jenny was with us, I would often force myself to stay awake at night, so that I could hear her breathing (we were both good sleepers and it was often a race to see who would nod off first). The sound of her breath, and the silhouette of the rise and fall of the sheets covering her chest, gave me some reassurance. I could not comprehend that one day the cancer might extingusish the breath of this amazing person (where do I start to explain) and take this beautiful woman from us.
I think of those nights and the small hours where I would lay awake watching and listening to her breath - I would often tell Jenny that it was like music to my ears.
Anyway, I will leave it that. I will buy the CD and put the song on my iPhone. I need to listen to it some more and try to make the connection to the song that Jenny and her friends at the Sutherland Shire Cancer Support Group made to it. I suspect for me it might mean something completely different to Jenny as I can already see some things that I have felt since Jenny left us.
A bit of ramble but it is nice to capture these fragments of my memory here.
Needless to say, very excited to have found this song
Maybe the The hardest part is over?
I know in writing this: These small hours - Still remain
As we said to each other every night (and I still do) as we lay in bed before nodding off to sleep:
Good Night, Sweet Dreams, God Bless, Love You.
With love and fond memories .. Geoff
[Note 1]: I love Wilson Street ( Newtown) - so many little things have happened there recently and over the years (at least in my own mind). Maybe these are some of These little wonders the song refers. I know these little things have helped me a lot over the last 19 months as I move through the grieving process [see Quote: Half a Life - NYT Book Review (12 Sep 2010) (17 Oct 2010) - in some ways that post was a real turning point for me when I look back at it now].
Let it go Let it roll right off your shoulder Don't you know The hardest part is over Let it in Let your clarity define you In the end We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made In these small hours These little wonders These twists and turns of fate Time falls away, But these small hours These small hours Still remain
Let it slide Let your troubles fall behind you Let it shine, Till you feel it all around you And I don't mind If it's me you need to turn to We'll get by It's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made In these small hours These little wonders These twists and turns of fate Time falls away But these small hours These small hours Still remain
All of my regret Will wash away somehow But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours These little wonders These twists and turns of fate Yeah, these twisted turns of fate Time falls away Yeah, but these small hours, These small hours Still remain
Yeah, oh they still remain These little wonders All these twists and turns of fate Time falls away But these small hours These little wonders Still remain
[..] It is amazing to put everything into a single stroke.
So when I refer to full capacity I know it can relate to fatigue but on this occasion it was about maximum force.
It was as if I was producing peak force every stroke and what becomes noticeable is when I cam off the boil just slightly.
The difference between sitting on 1.34 and 1.35 is so fine and yet full capacity is in reality maybe not sustainable.
So what I was playing with was going to full capacity and then staying aware of how I was producing that force.
Relaxation and breathing were key and speed of movement was critical.
Once I started to find I began working hard it was like being presented with a choice. A fork in the road, with one option being to muscle it and try to work harder and harder or the other was to relax into it and trust that by keeping the intention of speed, relaxation and by using a strong breathing rhythm.
Well a couple of times I went down the path to option one and a few times down the path to option two. The result was clear to sustain the output and ease of drive was actually possible with the later.
So stepping up to full capacity is one element in the equation to optimal performance, the other being the ability to sustain the intensity.
It was a great little test and I will keep in mind during our preparation for the Worlds this year.
Leaf - How much beauty in decay! - Hyde Park/Sydney - Wed 27 Dec 2001 (picasa)
A photo I took after work during the Christmas New Year period of 2001. Fires were burning all round Sydney and the sky was covered in smoke which resulted in a strange orange colour which can be seen in this photo. At the time I was reading much about photography and various photographers. This particular photo was inspired by Eliot Porter.
Eliot Porter was a photographer I found early on in my photography journey and self-education. It was easy to appreciate his work (google). He was a pioneer of colour photography (more here) and his life work was bequested to the Amon Carter Museum in 1990 shortly before he died (NYT Orbituary).
Not sure how I found him, but his name seems to appear whenever landscape photographers start talking about Colour Landscape Photography when compared to Black and White Landscape Photography, particularly that of Ansel Adams (looking at the size of the wikipedia entries, it is easy to see who was more popular both as a photographer and selection of photographic technique).
Found some interesting information about him searching the web (google). Also, found some of his books (along with those of Australia's own Peter Dombrovskis) in the National Library of Australia and would often take a look at them in NLA's reading rooms when in Canberra. Many of his photos resonated with my own vision and definitely influenced me when taking landscape (even streetscape and travel) photos, particularly in the Snow Mountains.
At the UNSW I found the book Eliot Porter: photographs and text (a great article) by Eliot Porter. Learnt a lot from the text and photos selected for the book. The following is a quote (see my photo.net page) from the book, which helped form my photographic vision ..
"It is the beauty of nature that I try to represent by photography. What this expression means to most people, I am quite sure, is such features as flowers of spring, autumn foliage, mountain landscapes, and many other similar aspects about aesthetic qualities of which no one would care to offer contradiction. That they are beautiful is indisputable, but they are not all that is beautiful about nature; in fact they are only the obvious and superficial aspects of nature - which anyone may observe with half and eye. They are the peaks and summits of nature's greatest displays. There is no doubt about their importance; they could not be dispensed with. Underlying and supporting these brillant displays are slow, quiet processes that pass almost unnoticed from season to season, unnoticed by those that think that beauty in natures is all its gaudy displays.
Much is missed if we have eyes only for the bright colors. Nature should be viewed without distinction. All her processes and evolutions are beautiful or ugly to the unbiased and indiscriminating observer. She makes no choice herself; everything that happens has equal significance. Nothing can dispensed with. This is a common mistake that many people make; they think that half of nature can be destroyed - the uncomfortable half - while still retaining the acceptable and the pleasing side; their idea is a paradise where nature stands still. Withering flowers blooming, death follows growth, decay follows death, and life follows decay - in a wonderful, complicated, endless web the beauties of which are manifest to a point of view attached to vulgar restricting concepts of what constitutes beauty in nature. Thoreau, who observerd all aspects of nature throughout his life, repeatedly remarked on the beauty of the unaccepted. 'How much beauty in decay!' he exclaimed on examining a worm-eaten leaf. To him the sere, brown leaves of winter were as beautiful as the fresh green of spring. This was a principle that has remained important for me throughout my career."
A fairly long quote, but for me was definitely something worth remembering.
This link provides a great summary of the life and works of Eliot Porter. I like the ending quote ..
The final paragraphs on the art of photography touch on his views to color, composition and emotional content of his images:
"Sensitivity cannot be faked by trickor devise; it has no substitute, and any attempt to replace it with mechancial contrivances is certain to be apparent to the more discerning critics. Not all photographs have to be inspired to be worth making, but the best, rare photographs are the result of a a force at least very close to inspiration. Formulized work becomes impersonal, an all the individuality of authorship tends to disappear. It unquestionably has its uses, but it is not art."
The book itself echoes Porter's ability to redact nature's chaos into a single harmonious image, and is a well-deserved tribute to this pioneer of color nature photography.
The following was one of my favourite Eliot Porter photos:
Pool in a Brook, Brook Pond/New Hampshire by Eliot Porter - 04 Oct 1953 (Carter Museum)
I recently thought of Eliot Porter and the above photo, when I took the following photo during the 2010 Ord River Marathon:
This is a work in progress. It has been in my head for a long time now, but it has been hard to write. Hopefully, it will make sense. I expect to modify it a bit over the next few weeks, but at least it is a start.
A few months before Jenny died, I read Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike". Jenny had been given a copy by a long time friend, Mena, not long after the book was first published here in Australia (sometime around 2002/3 I am guessing). She read the book quickly and I know she got a lot from the pages. For some reason I did not read the book until early May 2009.
Geoff, Jenny, Mena, Steve and Joanne - Natation DB Titles - Kawana / Qld - Sat 25 Apr 2009 (picasa)
I bought my own copy so that I could read the book that meant so much to Jenny. I think I was motivated by the fact the Jenny was progressing to the final stages of her Cancer (at least that is reluctantly what I quietly started to think - she had just been diagnosed with multiple tumors in her liver on the 11 Mar 2009 - not a very promising situation). I thought I might find something in the pages to understand her and our situation.
I read the book, intermittently over a few weeks, at my local coffee shop before work and on the train to work. There was lots of the book that resonated with me, particularly his encounters with cancer. One part in particular struck a chord with me. It was about a half through, where he writes about what he felt during chemotherapy following neurosurgery to remove a beign brain tumor.
What is stronger, fear or hope? It's an interesting question, and perhaps even an important one. Initially, I was very fearful and without much hope, but as I sat there and absorbed the full extent of my illness, I refused to let the fear completely blot out my optimism. Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not to be afraid.
I wanted to live, but whether I would or not was a mystery, and in the midst of confronting that fact, even at that moment, I was beginning to sense that to stare into the heart of such a fearful mystery wasn't a bad thing. To be afraid is a priceless education. Once you have been that scared, you know more about your frailty than most people, and I think that changes a man. I was brought low, and there was nothing to take refuge in but the philosophical: this disease would force me to ask more of myself as person than I ever had before, and to seek out a different ethic.
A couple of days earlier, I had received an e-mail from a military guy stationed in Asia. He was a fellow cancer patient, and he wanted to tell me something.
"You don't know it yet," he wrote, "but we're the lucky ones."
I'd said aloud, "This guy's a nut."
What on earth could he mean?
When I read this, I stored it away in my mind, eagerly awaiting Lance's own answer to this question - lucky .. What on earth could he mean?. It would come quietly on the last page of the book.
"You don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones," my fellow cancer patient had written.
I will always carry the lesson of cancer with me, and feel that I'm a member of the cancer community. I believe I have an obligation to make something better out of my life than before, and to help my fellow human beings who are dealing with the disease. It's a community of shared experience. Anyone who has heard the words You have cancer and thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to die," is a member of it. If you've ever belonged, you never leave.
Jenny had often indicated that she felt lucky (I think in both aspects - that of surviving an aggressive cancer and oddly enough, having had had cancer). She said this in the Australian Story Episode, "In the Pink":
'I don't understand how things work out, and why things work out the way they do. I feel like I've been lucky. I don't understand how cancer works, I don't know why I've been blessed the way I have been.'
'I feel I am so lucky and have a wonderful life. I have had some great opportunities through breast cancer to meet some very inspiring people. Geoff and Jo have been a constant source of support for me. Breast cancer has totally changed my life but for the best.'
Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)
The Rainbow Connection - Phil, John, Marj, Jenny, Liz, Noel - Phil passed away shortly after this photo was taken - he often spoke to Jenny about how luck seemed to play a big part in how things worked out, but sometimes you make you own luck - Rely for Life 2003 - Sylvania Waters - Sat 31 May 2003 - (picasa)
As Jenny's International Dragon Boating Career started, she came to the attention of the Media and in the first Newspaper Article she featured in, she was even compared to Lance Armstrong:
Don Iverson, Director of the Health and Productivity Research Center at the University of Wollongong, said that Ms Petterson could be compared to Lance Armstrong, who won the Tour de France after fighting testicular cancer.
'It's almost superhuman,' he said.
Cancer wont slow rowing champion - Sydney Sun Herald - 2 May 2004
She was a little embarrassed by the comparison, but Jo and I were very proud of Jenny and her achievements in her treatment, her sport and her life as breast cancer survivor.
Geoff, Jenny, Grace, Lynn, Betty, Thomas, Grant, Joanne and David - Relay for Life 2007 - Jenny - Survivor Representative - Sylvania Waters - Sat 28 Apr 2007 (picasa)
After Jenny's passing, I had an encounter in the Intensive Care Unit where Jenny left us. Joanne and I had gone back to thank the staff at the St George Hospital and to pickup some scans that had been lost in Jenny's move from the Level 1 to ICU. We spoke to the head ICU nurses (they were between shifts) and we knew both of them from Jenny's time in ICU (and I was well known to them as I had fainted in ICU on Jenny's second day in ICU after the neurosurgery). We talked a little and I mentioned that Jenny did consider herself lucky to have had cancer - as she said herself - it had changed her life for the better. One the nurses questioned this statement and she made me feel a little uneasy for saying what I had said. She could not believe anyone with cancer could consider themselves lucky. Maybe, she had seen too much of the cold harsh reality of cancer in that ICU. Maybe she was right. It did not seem too lucky now that Jenny was gone?
This conversation stuck in my mind for a long time, and I started to question many things. It was not until I came across the following blog post by Doug Miller that I found some peace. Here was a man who had recently been diagnosed with Cancer. He was articulate and in many ways his post offers so much more than Lance's writings on Cancer and Luck. This is probably the most moving piece of writing I have read in my life. I don't have cancer, but I have lived a shared life with it and it's consequences. I can truly emphasise. Here it is. My heart is with you Doug ..
Doug Miller - Colorado Trail San Juan Mountains - 1994 - A Single Path - (blog)
[..] a friend [..] pointed me to Lance Armstrong's book entitled "Its not about the bike" I picked up a copy and quickly read through it. I liked it.
It had a bit much detail focusing on cycling, but that was an aspect of the man that could obviously not be separated from the larger reality of his battle with cancer.
There were portions though that left my mind spinning. Armstrong's description of his diagnosis and the roller coaster of emotions that ensued was painfully raw and hit the mark with a clarity and similarity I could not deny. I myself am walking those darkened and fearful paths as I write these very words.
Out of all the pages a couple simple statements that he made resonated with me in a powerful way.
Armstrong tells of a letter that he received. It was from a man he had never met before. He himself had battled cancer. He wrote Armstrong to acknowledge his support and positive thoughts. As he finished the letter he made a strange statement that confused Armstrong. He wrote, "you probably do not understand this right now, but we are the lucky ones".
What? How is anyone with cancer lucky? It is devastating. It not only has the potential to steal your life, but also has the destructive potential to steal your Hope. Those words are haunting. Lucky? We are the lucky ones. This brotherhood of suffering is somehow lucky..........blessed?
It is diametrically opposed to any sort of sane thinking that those outside of this brotherhood would agree with. It actually is an almost dangerous statement. As if you say it as you are waking off a cliff without a safety net. A statement such as that redefines everything. Life. Death. And even Hope.
But as I walk this path, and simultaneously encounter life in all its beauty and harshness, I find myself agreeing. "We are the lucky ones". I am lucky. I say those words with a part of me screaming, "how dare you, how can you say that". But it is true. The perspective that cancer gives to life is unbelievable. It has the power to refine you. Your thoughts. Your direction. Your focus.
It is as if you look at life for the first time. Everything is different. Nothing is the same. Everything is turned on edge, revealing a freshness and an urgency that is not seen outside of cancer. If this clarity does exist in our normal lives, it is missed. Overshadowed by the busyness of life. By worthless and empty pursuits.
Another quote from Armstrong's book was this: "Cancer is not about dying, it is about living" What a statement.
Most would argue against it. But those that walk this path find it to be true. Life after diagnosis becomes "alive". It becomes real. It is as if you can grasp it with your own hands, breath it in, consume it.
Oh if I could have had this view earlier in life. I knew that it existed. I sensed it. I chased it. Through the mountains. Through relationships. In the woods and fields of my youth. It was a whisper in the words of poets. And a reflection on the horizon as the sun slipped out of view. But i did not catch it until cancer became my reference. My reality.
We who are members of this brotherhood and sisterhood of suffering are the lucky ones, because now we can truly live. And Love. And Hope. And I dare to say Dream. They are painful dreams, haunted with the shadows of uncertainty, but they are vivid dreams. Passionate dreams. Dreams that leave your heart aching, your soul longing. We are released from the fear of death. Our finite lives are bared.
We come face to face with our mortality and realize that life is looking back at us. Raw and uncertain. But ALIVE none the less. There were days before cancer that I despaired. At times despising my life. But now I am hungry to live. I long to live. Whether that time be long or short, I hold tight to life and all of its glorious agony.
Hidden in one of Drew Ginn's recent Blog Posts is this little piece on pushing yourself, motivation, challenges and learning - something I have done a lot of over the last 8-9 months. Thought I would pull it out here so that I can remember this great little piece of writing. Here it is:
[..] I learned to ride my rhythm, to find my own groove and to sit on the knife edge with fatigue, discomfort and sweat surrounding, penetrating and leaving me. At no stage was it intense like a rowing race or a super burst of effort. It was an experience in sustaining a level of force which body and mind was saying, 'BACK OFF'.
Like some sinister and shadowy creator holding an emotional gun to my head. Tempting as it might have been I had committed to the 7 days and on the last to having a great ride with heaps of challenge.
You could say I learned what I have learned before and now I have been reminded of it again.
Stretching and challenging is healthy. It requires us to keep pushing and to keep seeking motivation for why we would continue on. Why I asked my self on more than one occasion during the 7 days. Even as I spent the day at back home yesterday I was still asking why.
Placing your self in a challenging situation forces the questions to be asked.
I did this by going to Tassie to train with a good friend.
To train in a way which would force the questions to come thick and fast and they did and with each and every moment which one appeared I toiled and churned it around to cultivate and see what I would learn about self, others and the World I am in.
Again I say why? To learn is the only answer which I could find. To Learn, but why? It gives life.
Maybe. It brings clarity. Not always. It energises, YES, but it can also be draining.
Why then would I do any of this? Why would you? To be challenged is something which for sometime now I have said is a reason for my motivation. Maybe challenge is not enough.
Challenge without the acknowledgment of the learning required and needed is only one side of the coin. What happens if every time we toss it and it only ever landed on the challenge side.
We might assume that is all there is. Every stage, moment, event, session, day, hour and minute if challenged we might eventually find little else but a sense of seeking something which never ends.
Flipping the coin, the moment, experience and our perception can bring light to the other side or even sides. Maybe less a coin and more a cube it is with multiple sides and perspectives. A cube like RUBIX which starts out perfect with all colours separated on each side.
Then with everyday the play, the games, and events acting to jumble the cube until we finally realise it is rearranged.
How we feel about that becomes essential and what we do with it becomes simple a challenge. From this rearranged state we might begin to work to find the form or the essence of this box or cube. Learning to work with it in what ever state jumble or un-jumbled becomes important I think. Living with and learning from it. The challenge of it, the frustration and the joy.
So there it is I have gone away for 7 days of challenge which was more about learning than anything else.
As we had hoped (see A Familiar Path - "A Walk to Remember" - 28 Nov 2009), Joanne, David and myself did the 22km Main Range Walk on 1 Jan 2010. I recently read the following in a Paulo Coelho Book. I liked the story (as it can be applied to all aspects of life, not just "mountains") and I thought it would be a nice way to remember this first walk without Jenny. I have annotated the words with some of my photos from the walk. Here it is .. Geoff
Choose the mountain you want to climb: don’t pay attention to what other people say, such as “that one’s more beautiful” or “this one’s easier”. You’ll be spending lots of energy and enthusiasm to reach your objective, so you’re the only one responsible and you should be sure of what you’re doing.
Mount Kosciuszko - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Know how to get close to it: mountains are often seen from far off – beautiful, interesting, full of challenges. But what happens when we try to draw closer? Roads run all around them, flowers grow between you and your objective, what seemed so clear on the map is tough in real life. So try all the paths and all the tracks until eventually one day you’re standing in front of the top that you yearn to reach.
Jo crossing the Snowy River at Charlotte Pass - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Learn from someone who has already been up there: no matter how unique you feel, there is always someone who has had the same dream before you and ended up leaving marks that can make your journey easier; places to hang the rope, trails, broken branches to make the walking easier. The climb is yours, so is the responsibility, but don’t forget that the experience of others can help a lot.
Blue Lake - Fri 1 Jan 2010
When seen up close, dangers are controllable: when you begin to climb the mountain of your dreams, pay attention to the surroundings. There are cliffs, of course. There are almost imperceptible cracks in the mountain rock. There are stones so polished by storms that they have become as slippery as ice. But if you know where you are placing each footstep, you will notice the traps and how to get around them.
Rock Abstract - Fri 1 Jan 2010
"Green" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
The landscape changes, so enjoy it: of course, you have to have an objective in mind – to reach the top. But as you are going up, more things can be seen, and it’s no bother to stop now and again and enjoy the panorama around you. At every meter conquered, you can see a little further, so use this to discover things that you still had not noticed.
"Bush Fires" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jo and David - Fri 1 Jan 2010
"Snow" - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Respect your body: you can only climb a mountain if you give your body the attention it deserves. You have all the time that life grants you, as long as you walk without demanding what can’t be granted. If you go too fast you will grow tired and give up half way there. If you go too slow, night will fall and you will be lost. Enjoy the scenery, take delight in the cool spring water and the fruit that nature generously offers you, but keep on walking.
Main Range Path - Keep on Walking - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Respect your soul: don’t keep repeating “I’m going to make it”. Your soul already knows that, what it needs is to use the long journey to be able to grow, stretch along the horizon, touch the sky. An obsession does not help you at all to reach your objective, and even ends up taking the pleasure out of the climb. But pay attention: also, don’t keep saying “it’s harder than I thought”, because that will make you lose your inner strength.
Lake Albina - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Be prepared to climb one kilometer more: the way up to the top of the mountain is always longer than you think. Don’t fool yourself, the moment will arrive when what seemed so near is still very far. But since you were prepared to go beyond, this is not really a problem.
The final km ? - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Be happy when you reach the top: cry, clap your hands, shout to the four winds that you did it, let the wind – the wind is always blowing up there – purify your mind, refresh your tired and sweaty feet, open your eyes, clean the dust from your heart. It feels so good, what was just a dream before, a distant vision, is now part of your life, you did it!
Jo - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Geoff - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jo and Geoff - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Make a promise: now that you have discovered a force that you were not even aware of, tell yourself that from now on you will use this force for the rest of your days. Preferably, also promise to discover another mountain, and set off on another adventure.
Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Jenny - Mount Kosciuszko Summit - Nov 1994
Tell your story: yes, tell your story! Give your example. Tell everyone that it’s possible, and other people will then have the courage to face their own mountains.
Seamans Hut - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Our entry - Seamans Hut Diary - Fri 1 Jan 2010
Copyright by Paulo CoelhoWelcome to Share with Friends – Free Texts for a Free Internet
Jenny and Jo - Main Range Walk - 06 Jan 2002
"Keep on Walking" - Jo - Main Range Walk - Fri 1 Jan 2010